ALTERNATIVE SIGNAGE FOR UNITED AIRLINE SEATBACKS

On a flight home from LA to NYC I had lot of time to consider the spare, direct prose style of a well meaning designer (?), engineer (?), or poet (!), sharing basic information and instructions on the seat backs. Could these lines be punched up? Here are some possible alternatives to "Fasten Seat Belt While Seated" and "Life Vest Under Your Seat"
  1. 1.
    You Couldn't Have Walked There //// Also, Death Is Real
  2. 2.
    Freedom Is An Illusion //// Save Yourself Tough Guy
  3. 3.
    Most People Quietly Prefer Authority //// Funny To Think Of You Bobbing In The Ocean
  4. 4.
    Click Click You Wittle Baby //// Awe Did I Scare The Wittle Baby!?
  5. 5.
    Ronald Reagan Killed The Unions //// Ha Well Let's Talk Life Vests Now
  6. 6.
    Dying Is An Art //// Like Everything Else
    This text would require a small portrait of Sylvia Plath giving a thumbs up.
  7. 7.
    The Seat Belts Primarily Help With Identifying Your Body //// But By All Means, Imagine Yourself As The Exception
  8. 8.
    Some People Never Find Love //// Castaway Is A Decent Movie!
    Just decent though