1. "I intend to live forever. So far, so good."
    Steven Wright
  2. "A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."
    Steve Martin
  3. "I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with them later"
    Mitch Hedberg
  4. "I don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve immortality through not dying"
    Woody Allen
  5. "'The crows seemed to be calling his name' thought Caw"
    Jack Handey
  6. "You know what I hate? Indian givers... No, I take that back"
    Emo Phillips
  7. "Nobody goes there anymore, it's too crowded."
    Yogi Berra
  8. "I had s perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."
    Groucho Marx
  9. "I don't want to go to Heaven, none of my friends are there"
    Oscar Wilde
  10. "I was at the Natalie Merchant laser show the other night..."
    Zach Galifianakis
  11. "My mom said she wishes I was never born but I don't think that's true because then she'd have a 38 year old man living in her uterus"
    Dan Mintz
  12. "I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that"
    Mitch Hedberg
  13. "If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier in cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time for no reason."
    Jack Handey
  14. "God created war so Americans would learn geography."
    Mark Twain
  15. "In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number."
    Steven Wright