Rebranding Jewish Holidays

To compete with our present receiving, egg dying, chocolate bunny eating friends.
  1. Passover
    This is in need of the biggest overhaul: bitter herbs, a meat-less bone, reciting the same boring story, hiding a piece of stale bread... Yikes! We're celebrating our freedom, people! FREEDOM! Therefore the best thing to do to commemorate breaking the chains of bondage is to have a night of complete freedom: eat whatever you want, do/say whatever you want, and maybe call someone you hate and tell them off (á la Moses to the Phaorah.)
  2. Hanukkah
    We're really losing this one, guys as we've gotta compete with Christmas. We've got 8 nights though, so that's great; we should embrace that and build some sort of non-candle lighting, non-prayer reciting rituals around each night. I'll throw out some suggestions: Night 1 - massages. Night 2 - First of 3 major gift swaps. Night 3 - Weird taboo sex stuff. Night 4 - Dim Sum Dinner and a Woody Allen movie. Etc.
  3. Yom Kippur
    Step 1: stop reminding people that it's the holiest day of the year because you don't even know what it's about. Step 2: Fasts should be just that, fast. I'm thinking 2 hours, max. Step 3: Since this is the one day a year that all Jews feel obligated to attend synangogue, why not ditch the "dayenus" in favor of some tunes written by any one of the great Jewish songwriters (Benny Goodman, Gershwin, Neil Diamond, Bob Dylan). Can you imagine what a great party that would be?
  4. Rosh Hoshana
    What percentage of Jews know what year it is according to the Hebrew calendar? Exactly, so we're already working against that. The Shofar is sort of retro-cool so I'd keep that. Apples in honey is nice as well, but how about embracing the fact that New Years is about having fun by turning the "casting off" of our sins in water into a pool party?
  5. Purim
    Sometimes you've gotta scrap a product when it just isn't working. Such is the case with Purim. Biggest downfall? A little non secular holiday called Halloween. Give it up, Jews, and just embrace what's already working. Purim is the Zune to Apple's iPod - we've got an inferior product and it's time to pull the plug.
  6. Exact Dates (using Gregorian Calendar)
    Hard to get excited about something when you don't even know when it is.
  7. Exact Start Times
    None of this "sun down" bullshit. If you're throwing a party, guests need to know when to arrive.
  8. Mascots, Characters, Merchandising
    Easter is a time when Christians celebrate a man being brutally beaten and crucified to death. And they celebrate with a cute bunny who hides colorful eggs and shits out chocolate. My point is this: there are zero Jewish characters. ZERO. How are you going to get kids excited without accessible characters and merchandising? What about Freddie Frog, a plague-sent frog who breakdances and knows how to have a good time?
  9. Music
    All the best songs are written by Jews. In fact, all the best Christmas songs are written by Jews. One of us must go to Temple with Bublé's agent - talk him into getting Michael to cut a Jewish holiday album.
  10. Food
    We're gonna have to suck it up and admit we were wrong about the pig. Admittedly, 5,000 some years ago, yes, pigs were probably unsafe to eat, but we've come a long way since then and so has ham-technology.