The Planets' Personalities

In honor of the Pluto flyby, I present a list of how I view the planets. How'd I do, @PopSci and @startalkradio ??
  1. Mercury - The Overeager Pleaser
    We get it, you're #1 - closest to The Sun, first to orbit, always around (because of his odd orbit, we can see Mercury during days and nights) and yet, you really add nothing to the party. You're not even invited to the party, which is just as well because you're too busy hanging with The Sun.
  2. Venus - The Hot Girl
    From afar she seems to have it all going on - she's hot, within arms reach (closest planet), and named after the Roman goddess of love and beauty. But get close enough and you'll get burned. And yet, she beckons like a Siren, burning brighter in our night sky than anything, besides our moon. We can't let go of the hot girl even though she clearly has daddy issues.
  3. Earth - The Good Girl
    She's nurturing and loving, hospitable and fertile. No one doesn't like Earth but she's also a little bland - no edge, really, which is totally okay, but she's got a much cooler older brother (Mars)
  4. Mars - The Goofball Older Brother
    Basically Rob from Never Been Kissed - cool, quirky, beloved by everyone even though he's kind of a slack off, and your closest friend. (Ok, technically Venus is closer to us but there's no point in going - she's nutso.)
  5. Jupiter - The Bully
    Big mean meathead who is actually a jerk as a result of some really deep psychological pain (big red dot) and far more complex than you'd initially suspect. That said, Jupiter never really comes around and ultimately is always sort of a constantly annoying dick. Also farts a lot and thinks it's funny and charming (hence the nickname 'gaseous giant.')
  6. Saturn - Jupiter's Goon
    Saturn actually has a good heart and is deeply artistic and interesting, but he's always shied away in the shadow of Jupiter. One day he'll muster up enough courage to stand up to Jupiter and say "enough is enough" and will probably then go and join the Thespian society.
  7. Uranus - The Class Clown
    Self-explanatory
  8. Neptune - The Psychopath
    No one really talks to Neptune, though when they do, they're carefully to be nice as to not set him off. No one is quite sure what his deal is but what's clear is he's not well.
  9. Neptune (revisited) - The Misunderstood, Gentle Oddball
    @klrosenb helped me see the error in my ways as it relates to this quiet, misunderstood planet. Neptune is actually quite gentle and kind, albeit a little spacey. Those willing to put in the time to get to know Neptune will find themselves a loyal friend, but sadly, many - like myself - will write her off as being deranged
  10. Shoutout to Pluto - The Stoner
    Super fucking chill. Planet, no planet, it don't matter. Pluto is loved by all for no other reason than he's Pluto. He's too far gone to really get to know him but he seems like a good dude.