SOME OF MY INVENTIONS FOR WHICH SOCIETY UNDERAPPRECIATES ME

  1. The 27 hour day
    So easy. Take dying batteries from the toothbrush and place in wall clock. Time slows. Zero thanks from society.
  2. Secret sauce
    It's actually just a can of jellied cranberries decimated by oven heat and poured on top of anything. You're welcome. G Love was going to write a song about it but decided late 90s America wasn't ready to handle the message so he changed the words, stripped me of my laminated tour pass and lost my number.
  3. Getting dumped for inattentive behavior
    I didn't used to know how to break up with a woman so I invented a way to make her do the hard part for me.
  4. Belt buckle display case
    I took a 3ft tall wooden CD rack, layed it on its side on top of my dresser and filled it with belt buckles. It's like an IKEA hack for people who don't know how to safely use tools.
  5. Cheap mood lighting
    I have some fancy light fixtures. So fancy that I don't know how to change the fancy bulbs. So I don't. Voila.