A Mall Of A Man, Duh.
Obviously inspired by @mallofamanda's name. (aren't puns fun!?)😕 Like most fellas, I can't deal with any mall. Ever. It goes against my principle of "get only what you need, and GTFO". However, this would be my ideal dude mall.
- •Parking 🚘🚕The parking lot must be larger than the mall itself. All spaces will be the size of 4 regular parking spaces, in order to fit large trucks, and trailers. There is also a "No Parking Right Next To Someone" rule that is strictly enforced.
- •Check-in: Part one ✔️This mall only has one entrance and one exit. Upon entering, each man will be given a map of the mall, which he will never use. He is also given a card that will keep track of the things that he buys, and those things will all be waiting for him at check out. We hate carrying shit through the mall.
- •Check-in: Part two ✔️✔️If the guy is in need of clothing items, his measurements will be taken and given to his "clothes shopper". "Clothes Shoppers" are anyone with good enough taste to know that socks and sandals isn't ok, and neither are cargo shorts. The guy tells the shopper what he needs from that department, and the shopper picks things out while the guy does his other shopping. The clothing sections are inaccessible to the regular guy. He can't be trusted to make good decisions in there.
- •Now that we're inside, what stores does a regular guy need?
- •Music store - listening. 💿Vinyl, Cassettes, and CD's still exist in my mall. And not ironically either.
- •Music store - playing. 🎸🎷Playing with the instruments is very much encouraged. Guys are not allowed to buy anything without first passing a douche test. This is to make sure that the instruments will be used for good, not douchebaggery.
- •Food court. 🍗🍔Just a bunch of dudes grilling. You can bring your own meat, but it's not necessary. If you see something you like, just hang out at that guy's grill and comment on the meat. He is then obligated to offer you some.
- •Tool store. 🔧🔩⛏🛠Playing is also encouraged here. Since many of us regular dudes don't always know what tools we need for a particular job, actual intelligent people will work there. They will tell us what we need from the description of the job, or our re-creation of the sound that the car is making.
- •Duct tape emporium.Because sometimes tools are too much work.😕 Every size and color are available. For jobs as large as patching drywall, and as small as covering open wounds.
- •Immediate care clinic 🏥Because accidents will happen in the tool store. Doctors are also trained to trick guys into getting the check-ups that we avoid at all costs.
- •TV store. 📺If a married guy tries to buy something here, his wife must be called to authorize the purchase.
- •Beer store. 🍺Somehow you always arrive right after they close though.
- •Puppy playground. 🐶Not an actual store. Just a place where a fella can chill out and play with puppies without having his manliness questioned.
- •Furniture store. 🛋Just recliners. Floor models are available for "test farts" to determine if the material will absorb the sound and stench of your man gas.
- •Star Wars store.💸💸💸Because Star Wars.
- •Gift store.🎁🎀🎈Whether you forgot an Anniversary, are just being a good dude, or you've committed an act of dumbfuckery (™ @readjulia) that your significant other is displeased with, the gift store has you covered. Simply tell the sales associate which event you forgot, or the dumb act that you committed, and they will find the perfect gift for you to give that special someone as compensation for your stupidity.
- •Checkout.💳💵💸Your stuff has already been scanned and rounded up by other people, so the lines are short. There are Slim Jims and Funyuns at the registers as impulse buys. The only hold up is waiting for the guys to find their cash/cards in that wadded up mess of shit that is the man wallet.
- •That's all folks!