If your dog is a female, just change "he" to "she" and "good boy" to "good girl".
  1. Get yourself a nice set of clippers.
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    I highly recommend cordless since the dog will probably refuse to sit still.
  2. Watch the incredibly helpful DVD that was included with the clippers.
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    Watch the master groomer work on some small dogs. This will not represent any part of the actual process of a beginner trying to groom a massive ball of fluff.
  3. Get the fluffy dude ready for a bath.
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    Ignore the sad face. He loves baths.
  4. Get the fur nice and wet.
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    You'll know it's properly done when the dog tries to jump out of the tub.
  5. Shampoo and rinse the fluff.
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    This part takes about 30 minutes if your dog has ridiculously thick fur.
  6. Blow the fur dry.
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    Make sure you have treats at the ready and plenty of ventilation. The bathroom will get hot and the dog will fart excessively.
  7. Keep blow drying for another 45 minutes.
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    This is ridiculous.
  8. Give the dog a nap after his bath.
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    During this time I recommend having a drink or smoke or whatever you do to relax. Shit is going to get way more difficult from here.
  9. After he wakes up, trap him in the kitchen so you don't get hair everywhere.
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    That's a lot of fluff so it's way easier to sweep up on a tile floor.
  10. Start with the long clipper attachment working from the neck to the tail.
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    You can always take more off, but you can't put it back if you go too short. The dog will become bored and wander around after about the first 28 seconds.
  11. Give up on the kitchen and try to cut his hair on the couch.
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    It's all about making the dog comfortable. This will make the actual hair cutting more difficult, but at least you don't have to chase the dog around with the clippers anymore.
  12. Give up on the couch and try the floor.
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    If you have ever wondered what it looks like when a dog wants to murder you, you will find out in this step.
  13. Make a little mess.
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    I recommend having a few vacuum cleaners nearby.
  14. Get the doggie back on the couch so you can trim his belly.
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    If you lay the dog down on his back and rub his belly while you do it he won't even notice.
  15. Shake all of the fur onto the floor.
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    I've made a huge mistake.
  16. Pile up the fur.
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    At this point you can either throw it away, make some mittens, or sculpt it into another dog.
  17. Vacuum and tell the dog that he's a good boy.
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    You'll also notice that you didn't do the tail yet and decide to just deal with it later.
  18. Give the doggie treats when he stands in the kitchen.
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    You can never have too many treats.
  19. Take the doggie outside to brush him so he can show off to his squirrel friends.
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    The squirrels will become jealous and run away.
  20. Let the doggie take another nap because you are both exhausted.
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    What I learned from this: The $20 that I usually tip his groomer isn't nearly enough.
  21. Thanks for reading!
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    🙏🏼✌🏼🤘🏼