17 THINGS YOU SEE AT EVERY MUSIC FESTIVAL
An anthropological survey
- •Brand experiencesFar beyond the bland billboards of yesteryear...
- •Face paintBefore we had emojis to express ourselves, we kind of understood face painting. But now, it just looks like you fell asleep in the company of friends who own a sharpie.
- •Food trucksYou know you're at a music festival when you're holding a $7 slice of watermelon.
- •Anything goes fashionYou can dress like an Internet meme just waiting to be named and no one will bat an eye.
- •InstallationsWith titles like "I wish my phone hadn't died."
- •Tie dyeMakes heat-stricken ticket holders look like a melting bucket of Ben & Jerry's.
- •Bathroom linesYour wristband is just a glorified pass to a porta-potty.
- •The clingerYou know, the guy who got separated from his friends and has now decided to stick with you for the rest of the day, intermittently reminding you that he got backstage here six years ago?
- •Shoulder ridersCan you just rent burly dudes to carry you around at festivals now, or do you still have to befriend them?
- •Tender youthThe thing still redeeming music festivals are spirited youngsters that make every performance feel as fuzzy and sentimental as the last day of summer camp, instead of just a breeding ground for miserable Internet think pieces like this one.
- •Selfie sticksActually less obnoxious than when people ask you to take their picture for them and talk to you as if you've never seen a camera phone before.
- •Security sunniesColorfully mirrored sunglasses exclusively reserved for festival security guards or dads who yell at their kids in public.
- •Phone chargingIf you want to see what a human on life support looks like in the 21st Century, the phone-charging stations proliferating at music festivals are good places to start.
- •Party girlsLater on, they're going to be knocking your drink out of your hand and not noticing.
- •Party biysYep, there's a flock of them everywhere and they seem to whole-heartedly believe the only thing between them and a good time is a shirt.
- •ParentsDesperate to prove that having kids hasn't affected their ability to party. Strollers with beer holders? Heyo.
- •Overdoing itThe music festival is a rite of passage that helps us learn that valuable lesson, "Thou shall not drink Four Loki before entering thine all-day party." Once this faded festivalgoer raises his head out of his regretful arms, he will be a man.