17 THINGS YOU SEE AT EVERY MUSIC FESTIVAL

An anthropological survey
  1. Brand experiences
    Far beyond the bland billboards of yesteryear...
  2. Face paint
    Before we had emojis to express ourselves, we kind of understood face painting. But now, it just looks like you fell asleep in the company of friends who own a sharpie.
  3. Food trucks
    You know you're at a music festival when you're holding a $7 slice of watermelon.
  4. Anything goes fashion
    You can dress like an Internet meme just waiting to be named and no one will bat an eye.
  5. Installations
    With titles like "I wish my phone hadn't died."
  6. Tie dye
    Makes heat-stricken ticket holders look like a melting bucket of Ben & Jerry's.
  7. Bathroom lines
    Your wristband is just a glorified pass to a porta-potty.
  8. The clinger
    You know, the guy who got separated from his friends and has now decided to stick with you for the rest of the day, intermittently reminding you that he got backstage here six years ago?
  9. Shoulder riders
    Can you just rent burly dudes to carry you around at festivals now, or do you still have to befriend them?
  10. Tender youth
    The thing still redeeming music festivals are spirited youngsters that make every performance feel as fuzzy and sentimental as the last day of summer camp, instead of just a breeding ground for miserable Internet think pieces like this one.
  11. Selfie sticks
    Actually less obnoxious than when people ask you to take their picture for them and talk to you as if you've never seen a camera phone before.
  12. Security sunnies
    Colorfully mirrored sunglasses exclusively reserved for festival security guards or dads who yell at their kids in public.
  13. Phone charging
    If you want to see what a human on life support looks like in the 21st Century, the phone-charging stations proliferating at music festivals are good places to start.
  14. Party girls
    Later on, they're going to be knocking your drink out of your hand and not noticing.
  15. Party biys
    Yep, there's a flock of them everywhere and they seem to whole-heartedly believe the only thing between them and a good time is a shirt.
  16. Parents
    Desperate to prove that having kids hasn't affected their ability to party. Strollers with beer holders? Heyo.
  17. Overdoing it
    The music festival is a rite of passage that helps us learn that valuable lesson, "Thou shall not drink Four Loki before entering thine all-day party." Once this faded festivalgoer raises his head out of his regretful arms, he will be a man.