"INSPIRATIONAL" MESSAGES I SEE ON THE WAY TO CLASS

On my drive to school I pass by a store that puts up a different message every week on a sign by the road. At first they were run of the mill inspirational quotes that I really enjoyed seeing, but now I'm just worried about the sign-maker.
  1. "STEP ASIDE COFFEE. THIS IS A JOB FOR ALCOHOL"
  2. "DID YOU KNOW THE SWIMMING POOLS IN THE TITANIC ARE STILL FULL"
  3. "THE YOUNG DONT KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE OLD UNTIL ITS TOO LATE"
    Or something like that. Either way it was really depressing.
  4. "WHEN DID COMMON SENCE BECOME SO UNCOMMON"
    "Sence"
  5. "I USED UP ALL MY SICK LEAVES. SO I CALLED IN DEAD"
  6. "DO THINGS THAT MAKE OTHER PEOPLE HAPPY WE NEED MORE OF THAT"
  7. "BRACE YOURSELF EVERYONE IS ABOUT TO FORGET HOW TO DRIVE"
  8. "LAUGHTER IS A MINI VACATION"
    Very true
  9. "IT FEELS GOOD TO BE LOST IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION"
    I guess?
  10. "THEY SAY LIFE IS SHORT. I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHO TOOK THE MEASUREMENTS"
  11. "CAN WE RESTART THE WEEKEND? I WASNT READY"
  12. "I WISH EVERYTHING WAS AS EASY AS GETTING FAT"
    Same.
  13. "US ELECTIONS TRYING TO FIND THE CLEANEST TURD IN THE BUCKET"
  14. "LEMONADE IS ARTIFICIAL FLAVORS FURNITURE POLISH IS MADE OF LEMONS"
    I swear to god this is exactly what it said
  15. "DONUTS ARE HEALTHIER THAN CRYSTAL METH"
  16. "SPRING TIME IS NATURES WAY OF SAYING LETS PARTY"
  17. "I GET ROAD RAGE STANDING BEHIND PEOPLE AT THE GROCERY STORE"
  18. "MY TRAILOR HITCH HAS HURT MORE PEOPLE THAN MY GUNS EVER WILL"
    Um ok
  19. "I HOPE THE NEXT BIG TREND IN MUSIC IS TALENT"
    rip prince
  20. "CONGRESS IS LIKE TWO DRUNKS ARGUING OVER THE BAR BILL ON THE TITANIC"
  21. "I STEPPED ON A CHEERIO THIS MORNING DOES THAT MAKE ME A CEREAL KILLER?"
  22. More on the way