20 Things Your Baby Is Desperately Trying to Tell You

  1. I don’t care how cute it is. This outfit itches worse than poison ivy.
  2. Oh no! My pacifier has fallen right beside my face. I’ll never be able to reach it now. Help!
  3. Maybe if you stopped rubbing my head so much, you wouldn’t still be wondering why I’m bald. It’s not going to bring you good luck.
  4. Move your head. I can’t see the ceiling fan.
  5. My nose is NOT a button. Please stop pushing it. Tell everyone.
  6. Somebody needs to brush their teeth and it’s not the one of us without teeth, except when Grammy is here.
  7. I don’t find it amusing to be covered ear to ear in baby food by an airplane buzzing toward my head. Somebody needs to tell that pilot to slow down.
  8. How would you like it if I called you chunky monkey? Thought so.
  9. Nobody makes you wear your seatbelt in a restaurant, so why am I still buckled in my car seat?
  10. Stop smiling at me. Can’t you see that I’m angry at you for laughing at how I keep dropping these damn plastic keys?
  11. Would somebody who didn’t have bladder control be able to warm himself up whenever he wanted? Didn’t think so. (Ten seconds later) I didn’t think my urine could get so cold so fast. Change me, now!
  12. You can’t blame me if I get sick because you haven’t washed this pacifier in three days.
  13. I feel like I should say, “pardon me.” But somehow, that seems insufficient for spitting up on your outfit and making you late for work.
  14. You do realize that I can’t understand you either, right?
  15. There’s a dryer sheet in these pajamas. Get it out! Get it out!
  16. Don’t take my diaper off now! No, no, no, no, no. Too late. I tried to warn you.
  17. If you make one mistake with those fingernail clippers, for your sake it’d better be the last finger, because I’m going to slice you with whatever I have left.
  18. I’m crying because my baby monitor doesn’t have a screen so I can watch you too.
  19. If you sing another baby song one inch from my face again, you’re just begging me to sneeze in your mouth.
  20. Are you mocking my balance by hovering me over the floor as if I could walk? I won’t forget this when you are elderly.