1. Usain Bolt never nicknamed him "The Lochteness Monster"
  2. The "chocolate" in his gold medal didn't "melt"
  3. None of his teammates say his hair color is "Suicide-Squad-era Leto"
  4. He was not a "third responder" on "9/13"
  5. He and Michael Phelps don't have a "gentlemen's agreement" that Phelps only wins gold "in even years."