Florida Institute of Technology Class of 2016: as I stand in front of you today, there's a slight lag in our feed. Try to ignore that. And remember this:
  1. Take time at the ATM. The assholes behind you can wait.
  2. Try not to murder people who disappoint you. They may be useful to you on one of those Who Wants To Be A Millionaire game shows.
  3. Dogs are your best friends, don't forget that. Dogs sometimes bite the hands that feed them. Don't forget that, either. Bottom line: dogs are fickle.
  4. SPONSORED: Taste the rainbow.
  5. Text you mom back. Or don't.
  6. Pay your mom back. Or don't.
  7. Butt cheese is not a real thing, no matter what you were told in junior high.
  8. Sneak in catnaps whenever you can. Your Uber pickup can wait. Plus, they haven't paid yet.
  9. SPONSORED: Never let 'em see you sweat.
  10. On the first day of your first job, find the most important person in your company and slap them right on the kisser. It's a sign of dominance, your boss will like that. If you don't get fired, it was meant to be.
  11. Keep you receipts. All of them. Use them to pad your wallet or purse, like a hilarious Seinfeld episode.
  12. Make friends with your weed dealer. Things are about to go south for him, what with legalization on the horizon. Plus, you could use a friend.
  13. SPONSORED: 15 minutes could save you 15% or more on car insurance.
  14. Help old ladies and children cross the street. Unless they're really dragging their feet. Nobody has time for that.
  15. Your parents were right about flossing every day. Don't let them know that. It'll become a thing at Thanksgiving.
  16. Snapchat will only make you feel unpretty. Unless you use one of those hilarious filters.
  17. Make the most of this life, but don't ask why. It's something unpredictable that, in the end, is right. I hope you had the time of your life.