[🙏🏻] WHAT MY CHRISTIAN FRIENDS MEAN WHEN THEY SAY THESE THINGS

(It's ok everyone, I worked in a church, so I'm ordained to share these little secrets of the faith.) #Words
  1. We're just gonna love on each other.
    We're getting together, but it's not sexual and it's DEFINITELY not gay.
  2. Worship was so awesome this morning!
    They played my favorite songs and the smoke machines really made me emotional. You know, like EVERY CONCERT EVER.
  3. I'll pray for you.
    I will acknowledge your need now, but probably won't actually do something about it.
  4. Back in Bible times...
    Even though it's the ONE book I'm supposed to know, I have very little understanding that the events of the bible take place over thousands of years and not within a singular timeframe with consistent societal norms and customs.
  5. God is so good!
    Things turned out well for me/you!
  6. God works in mysterious ways.
    Things did not turn out well for me/you.
  7. I know the Truth because I have faith!
    Ok, honestly, the way I usually know things are true—with verifiable facts, well-documented activity, and the scientific method—doesn't really work here, and I need a trump card.
  8. That's my smokin' hot wife over there.
    [youth pastors only] While we suspect Jesus and His disciples remained single, we American Christians know that one of the benefits to leading in the church is access to hotter-than-usual spouse material.
  9. Well bless his heart!
    Poor bastard.
  10. According to the Bible...
    I assume everything in the bible is prescriptive for your life (you let me worry about my own life) and that the authors weren't just describing a place/time or, you know, writing poetry.
  11. Jesus.
    The writers of Jesus.
  12. Hate the sin and love the sinner.
    I really struggle with "loving my enemies" unconditionally, so I like to sneak a little hate into the equation. It helps me feel superior.
  13. Amen.
    THANK GOD that's over!