My Childhood Bagel-Eating Method: A Step-By-Step Guide

It amazes me that I turned into a (relatively) normal adult.
  1. 1.
    Toast an everything bagel until it is dark.
    I lived in an Orthodox Jewish neighborhood, so the best bagels on the planet were literally just from the grocery store.
  2. 2.
    Slather Skippy Reduced Fat Smooth Peanut Butter all over it.
    Regular PB tastes strange to me because this was all my parents ever had in the house.
  3. 3.
    Let the PB melt into the warm bagel.
    Normal.
  4. 4.
    Lick off all the peanut butter.
    Uh oh...
  5. 5.
    Nibble off all the edges of the bagel.
    What is this nonsense??
  6. 6.
    Take off the toasted top. Place it aside.
    What? Why? Just eat the fucking bagel.
  7. 7.
    Eat all the soft insides of the bagel.
    Can we get this over with already??
  8. 8.
    Eat the toasted top.
    Freak.
  9. 9.
    Congratulations! You've eaten your bagel!
    When I was little, I used to think my soulmate would be the person who ate his bagel this same way. I now realize I would never want this insane person.