(in no particular order)
  1. I can't believe I had to buy hand soap for your bathroom.
  2. You fist-bumped a plant.
  3. I asked where you learned your cunnilingus skills and you told me very simply, "The Room of Requirement," because of course I would be seduced by a Harry Potter nerd.
  4. I love that you still wear the necklace I gave you.
  5. It was nice kissing you til you stuck my hand down your pants, which was decidedly less nice.
  6. I only started talking to you because of your dog.
  7. Did not want to be kissed by you, just wanted to flirt enough that my roommate wouldn't suspect I was secretly back with my ex.
  8. I never told you that I loved you but we both knew I did and you didn't and that's exactly why I never said it.
  9. When I asked, "You're not married or anything, right?" that was your opportunity to mention that you were engaged.
  10. I'm glad I made out with you, and not one of my coworkers, that night.
  11. Part of me regrets ever knowing you, but also my best* stories came from our whatever-it-was so....
    *most absurd and ridiculous dating stories
  12. I liked you so much but no one has ever made me feel more insecure about my body.
  13. Your outrage over my desire to go Dutch on our date, and then renewed outrage when I was $1 shy of what I owed you (since I couldn't put it on a card when it was already on your tab) was only matched by your 2am "sup" text later that night.
  14. I think of you every time I drive by the In N Out in Burbank, and not in a good way.
  15. I loathed you but was so sad that I still let you make out with me in the car like a goddamn high schooler.
  16. I genuinely wonder what would have happened if you hadn't been the worst kisser.
  17. I'm really glad I didn't get murdered.
  18. In retrospect, our entire relationship only happened because my parents found out I'd been talking to guys online and they made me delete my alternate screen name and I was sad.
  19. Praised be the least pressurey but still great make out sessions on the planet.
  20. I stayed in this about twice as long as I should have.
  21. I still think that was a fake phone call.
  22. Your rudeness was the catalyst for the next relationship I had and if I hadn't stormed away from you, I never would have ran to him.
  23. I wonder if you would have kissed me if our friends hadn't been chanting for us to do so.
  24. I told you my roommate was a dolphin and you drew a dolphin on our fridge that far outlived us.
  25. I kissed a girl and was kinda bummed that I didn't really care for it.
  26. I'm glad we watched Monsters Inc first and THEN Across the Universe.
  27. The freeing moments of knowing this is the only time you'll ever see this one person, juxtaposed with the water at Culver City Hall.
  28. We never did raincheck.
  29. Before we even kissed we gave off a vibe to the others at the bar that we'd been dating for years.
  30. I know you only kissed me because you wanted me and my friend to both go home with you and we definitely weren't going to do that.
  31. Our date felt more like work drinks so I was shocked, but not at all upset, when you planted one on me.
  32. You reminded me way too much of my former college roommate, and I had already grown to resent him on such a deep level that we never would have worked.
  33. I lost my earring somewhere in downtown Culver City when we first met, and I couldn't believe that you went looking all around for it with me.
  34. "Magician is just another word for liar." -RIP Trophy Wife, but also this was spot on
  35. You were so proud of yourself for getting TWO goodnight kisses, but I would have given you at least five.
  36. That you told me your mother would love me 30 minutes into meeting me was totally alarming.
  37. I'm still not totally sure that I believe you're from Spain.
  38. This was the easiest anything ever happened and I'm so glad it occurred when it did.