1. Me and my boyfriend
  2. The best friend of a guy I dated 2 years ago who I never met but aggressively internet-stalked because he was more active on social media than the guy I was seeing
  3. Not my ex-boyfriend, who introduced me to Mr. Little Jeans, thank God, but a bunch of hipsters in their 30s that look just like him when my contact lenses aren't cooperating.