People I Shouldn't Have Dated
- •The stand-up comic who instagrammed my rejection text to all his followers the first time he asked me out, and who I later dated until he told me, "Girl, you feel too many things."One time we had sex at a house party he invited me to. I would later find out that he did not live in that house. Whose bed did we spend the night in...?
- •Another stand-up comic who said "Boom! Comedy! Write it down!" after every (non) funny thing he said.
- •The guy in a band (because it's always a guy in a band) with dyed pink hair because otherwise he "looked too much like a Disney star" (his words).He wrote a song about me. It was very bad. His band was so bad. Why do we always like that?
- •The race car driver who had trophies strewn all over his houseI was impressed that he had a house. I would later find out that he was overcompensating.
- •The guy who seemed nice but who would later have less-than-consensual sex with me
- •My freshman year of high school boyfriend who pulled the fire alarm on a $5 bet and got expelled from his prep school.He would message me years later, having come out, and told me he had his own nail art salon. I only regret the emotional turmoil his expulsion caused our friend group (from theatre camp)
- •The electrical engineer who would arrive at our date and tell me that he was actually now an unpaid life coach because I live in Los Angeles and these are real things that happen to people.