People I Shouldn't Have Dated

  1. The stand-up comic who instagrammed my rejection text to all his followers the first time he asked me out, and who I later dated until he told me, "Girl, you feel too many things."
    One time we had sex at a house party he invited me to. I would later find out that he did not live in that house. Whose bed did we spend the night in...?
  2. Another stand-up comic who said "Boom! Comedy! Write it down!" after every (non) funny thing he said.
  3. The guy in a band (because it's always a guy in a band) with dyed pink hair because otherwise he "looked too much like a Disney star" (his words).
    He wrote a song about me. It was very bad. His band was so bad. Why do we always like that?
  4. The race car driver who had trophies strewn all over his house
    I was impressed that he had a house. I would later find out that he was overcompensating.
  5. The guy who seemed nice but who would later have less-than-consensual sex with me
  6. My freshman year of high school boyfriend who pulled the fire alarm on a $5 bet and got expelled from his prep school.
    He would message me years later, having come out, and told me he had his own nail art salon. I only regret the emotional turmoil his expulsion caused our friend group (from theatre camp)
  7. The electrical engineer who would arrive at our date and tell me that he was actually now an unpaid life coach because I live in Los Angeles and these are real things that happen to people.