1. It was our fourth date.
    He had insisted on taking me on real dates that included dinner, and that made me feel like a grown up. I thought maybe this was turning into something real. He was weird, definitely weird, but so am I, and my track record shows that if the guy is weird too, it usually goes well. We saw each other four times in two weeks. We texted constantly. I looked forward to seeing him.
  2. We were both completely sober.
    I drove to his house, and then we walked to a nearby sushi restaurant. We ate decent enough sushi, and stuck to water.
  3. I said I didn't know if we should have sex and told him this right off the bat.
    He was leaving for a trip to Korea a few days later, and I told him I didn’t know if we should have sex because he was leaving for a month. I said this when we made out in his bed, clothes still on, before dinner, and repeated that we shouldn’t several times when we got back to his house.
  4. We talked a lot about sex from day one.
    I am an open person. I like talking about sex, and do so often. He would later use this fact as explanation for why what happened was OK.
  5. I did like kissing him, but warned that I might be a tease.
    I really like kissing. I love making out. I can do that for hours. In the past, boys have called me a tease and gotten upset, so I’m up-front about it to try and avoid that. On our second date, we went to ice cream, and then came back to my house and made out on the couch. At one point, when it was getting too heated, I said stop and he practically leapt off of me. But tonight he didn’t like that I wanted to keep kissing and kissing alone.
  6. He told me I should be impressed with his restraint.
    I wasn't.
  7. He said "Don't give me that face," as he removed my underwear.
    “That face” was me cringing because I had told him repeatedly that I didn’t want to have sex. But I liked him, and I was confused and overwhelmed, and at a certain point, it became easier to just lay there and let it happen so it would be over.
  8. I did not move the entire time he was inside me.
    I didn’t scream, or hit him, or push him off of me. I just waited for it to be over.
  9. Afterward, we walked to Gelson's and got a tub of chocolate peanut butter ice cream.
    I liked him. I wanted to justify what I had just let happen. I wanted it to be normal. I hung around at his house trying to make what had just happened worth it.
  10. He walked me to my car and I joked that I was going to cry.
    I got in my car and did exactly that.
  11. I was too freaked out to be at my house alone.
    My roommate was out of town, so I texted my ex, who lived a ten-minute walk from my apartment. We had been talking earlier in the day anyway, and he immediately told me to come over.
  12. My ex held me, without judgment, and let me cry on his couch for hours.
  13. I showered twice and couldn't get him off me.
  14. I didn't hear from him, and five days later, I texted him because I needed to tell him it wasn't OK.
    He told me he was sorry to hear I felt that way.
  15. I later remembered a story he had told me on our second date, about another girl.
    We had been talking about weird dating experiences in LA, and he mentioned a girl that had invited him back to her house, they’d slept together, and she had immediately freaked out and told him they shouldn’t have done that, and threw him out of her house. At the time, the way he framed the story, she seemed kind of like a “crazy girl.” I wonder now if he has told our story the same way.