Thoughts While Watching the Unauthorized Full House Story

Look, a strange spit on my face earlier tonight (see previous list) so I needed something light to take my mind off of that mess. I maybe should have picked something else.
  1. Why is the set entirely different? It's like they didn't have photographic evidence to work off of.
  2. The Bob Saget guy looks like Bill Hader. Or like a Tim Burton version of Bob Saget.
  3. "Jeff Franklin" looks like how I wish John Cusack had aged.
  4. When "Bob Saget" and "Dave Coulier" turn to a particular angle, they look like the real guys but *only* at that one angle and no other angles.
  5. OMG so much exposition. All the exposition.
  6. Is this movie just a convoluted, outdated infomercial for caller ID?
  7. The DJ audition makes literally no sense good GOD.
  8. People keep running away from their landlines. But they're all cordless phones. Just take them with you. I don't understand.
  9. Cool shot of the Hollywood sign from Beachwood! Every tourist has that exact photo too!
  10. Cool homophobia, guys!
  11. "Bob Saget"'s sister looks more like Lori Loughlin than anyone's doubles look like them, and she's not even playing "Lori Loughlin"
  12. The Olsen twins aren't babies. This is insane.
  13. Do you think "Jodie Sweetin" knows about Jodie Sweetin's drug problems?
  14. Is "Lori Loughlin" from UnREAL? Keeping it in the Lifetime family.
  15. Where is "Jodie Sweetin's mom"?
  16. Why does "Dave Coulier" keep hitting on "the Olsen twins' mom"?
  17. The giggling camera op is my favorite part of this.
  18. "Candace Cameron"'s religion spiel sounds more like a Scientology plug than a Christianity one...?
  19. The "6 year old Olsen twins" look like weird robotic replicas of their real counterparts.
  20. I can't believe this whipped cream fight is a plot point.
  21. I mean, can you have a "plot point" without a plot?
  22. This alleges that "Bob Saget" would wait to go sit shiva for his sister to hang at the cemetery with his costars. I know they're close but seriously?
  23. Why are the "9 year old Olsen twins" the same height as all the other girls??
  24. THAT WASN'T DJ'S PROM DRESS. HERS WAS GOLD.
  25. This movie has not had any moments of emotional resonance.
  26. Wait, was Stamos actually in How to Succeed? I could google it but I don't actually care that much.
  27. They have no other friends besides each other, seriously, if "Candace Cameron"'s wedding has any goddamn point.
  28. "Ice cream and hugs and lots and lots of love"
  29. THE MOVIE ENDS WITH A FART AT THE WEDDING. Well. Okay. This was not a good use of my two hours.