Two Years Since

  1. I don't want to think about it. I wish I wasn't thinking about it. But August 30th is burned into my brain. Maybe one day it won't be.
  2. Two years since he raped me.
  3. A lot has changed in that time. In the last year, even. A year ago, I couldn't even say the word "rape" when I talked about my "situation." Why I Still Have Trouble Using the Word "Rape" When Discussing My Rape
  4. Now, I can.
  5. 3 months ago, I finally told my parents. It was during the whole Brock Turner thing. And then, I posted a list I had written on Facebook and talked publicly for the first time. Rape Stereotypes Dismantled By My First-Hand Experience
  6. The response was overwhelming. I was not alone. It was wonderful and alarming how not alone I was.
    And now Brock Turner will be released on Friday and his fucking face is back on my Facebook feed and it makes me sick.
  7. It's been two years. For a while, I didn't see him at all. Once, six months after it happened: The Time I Saw Him After He Raped Me. Then, nothing.
  8. I've seen him three times this month. Once, early in the morning in my neighborhood. I think he was walking to work. I was in my car. He didn't see me. The second time, he was with his girlfriend and I was with my boyfriend. I grabbed my guy's hand and and kept my eyes transfixed on the ground until we passed them. I'm sure he saw me.
  9. Nine days later, we were in a completely different part of town. I was getting my phone fixed and then my fella and I were going to a movie matinee. We walked into the theater and there he was, at the self-checkout machine, and I booked it out of there so fast that my boyfriend didn't know what was happening.
  10. My biggest fear is that I'll wind up having to work with him. We have very similar jobs and it's a definite possibility that gives me crippling anxiety during my job search.
  11. But amidst this chaos in my brain about August 30th, I'm packing up my apartment to move in with my wonderful, loving, supportive boyfriend in just 11 days. Tonight, I'll sign the lease.
  12. I am OK.
  13. But sometimes, I still feel it.
  14. Today is one of those days.