Worst Kisses

  1. First real (non-Spin the Bottle) kiss. We were 14 and your mom was dropping me off after your school's spring dance. She was watching from the driveway, and you missed my mouth, then posted as your away message on AIM (for everyone to see) that it was the best kiss you could have ever imagined.
  2. After a terrible date, where I debated if I could leave while you were in the bathroom, but mulled over if that was too mean for too long, and then you came back, you sneak-attack kissed me at my car. You texted me at 2am that morning, and I never responded.
  3. You stuck your tongue all the way into my ear canal, which I think was supposed to be a seduction method, but failed miserably. I then noticed my earring was missing. Did you steal and/or swallow my earring?
  4. You were the sweetest guy, and on our second date, we wandered down to the pier, and the moon was reflected picturesquely in the water and I couldn't believe you hadn't planned that. Sitting on a bench by the water, you kissed me, but all of the motions your lips were supposed to do were done by your entire jaw. You gnawed off part of my face.
  5. You were the first person I'd kissed after I got out of my 3.5 year relationship. We were drunk at a bar on Black Friday, and at first, the kiss had the perfect amount of lower-lip-biting, exactly the way I wanted to be kissed. I put my hands on your neck and then you took them in your own...
    ...And then you shoved my hand down your pants. I had no idea what was happening, but suddenly I was holding a stranger's penis in the middle of a crowded bar. I wanted you to keep kissing me, but I also didn't want to have your penis in my hand, so I just stood there (still holding said penis), unsure of how to handle this ethical dilemma. After a minute, when I let go of your penis, you stopped kissing me, shook the hand that had been around your member, and walked away.