THINGS I DO TO AVOID GRADING PAPERS

  1. Look at Facebook.
  2. Look at Instagram.
  3. Look at Instagram for approximately four hours as I live vicariously through beauty bloggers whose eyeliner game is ridiculously on point.
  4. Google ways to make my eyeliner game ridiculously on point.
  5. Accidentally stab self in eye and immediately give up.
  6. Consider baking something.
  7. Consider baking something and instead drink half a bottle of wine.
  8. Look at Facebook again.
  9. Laugh and then cry while watching cat videos.
  10. Laugh and then cry while checking my bank account.
  11. Drink the other half of the bottle of wine.
  12. Consider all the ways in which I am a failure.
  13. Remember that I'm fucking awesome and have a one-person dance party.
  14. Realize that wine makes me an amazing dancer. (This is a known fact. Definitely not a drunken delusion.)
  15. Look at Facebook (yet) again.
  16. Decide to post a witty status about drinking (cheap) wine and (most definitely not) grading papers.
  17. Eventually fall asleep on couch and crawl to bed at 4 AM.
  18. Repeat every night for a week until I am overwhelmed with guilt and grade all of the papers in one glorious coffee-and-crying-fueled all-nighter that leaves me close to death.
  19. Repeat every two weeks for the remainder of the semester.