Reasons Why Saudi King Salman Won't Be Coming to Camp David for a Middle East Summit With Pres Obama

Heavy is the head that wears that fancy Keffiyeh
  1. That's the weekend he was planning on binge watching BETTER CALL SAUL
    He's not getting why everyone is calling him Jimmy and not Saul.
  2. Jealous of Putin who is getting a visit from Secretary Kerry
    "Oh, but I'm supposed to fly all the way to D.C.!? Putin's a douche!"
  3. No new "Bashar Al-Assad is so dumb" jokes
    Head joke writer spit on the side walk, was executed, leaving the funniest person on staff a woman. King won't take jokes from a woman.
  4. Doesn't want to spend first hour of summit discussing whether or not Tom Brady is a cheater
    "C'mon, man! I could have deflated balls, I'm not going to win a Super Bowl unless I buy the NFL. BTW, how much is the NFL?"
  5. Can't decide how many wives to bring on the trip
    "So fuck it, none of us are going!"
  6. Also doesn't want wives getting any ideas on being liberated, free thinking women from Michelle Obama
    "She's got a law degree!? How did she drive herself to law school?"
  7. He's just bushed!
    Bombing rebels in Yemen, fixing oil prices, Face Timing with Dick Cheney, guy needs a weekend to himself.