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When you read movie news you know right away if the movie will be a hit or not. When it was announced that Donald Glover was playing Lando Calrissian, the entire internet shrieked for joy. Conversely, when we heard that the Deepwater Horizon disaster would become a movie, we groaned. Here are some fake news items that you know would be bad movies.
  1. Mel Gibson stars in the remake of Schindler's List.
  2. Mr & Mrs Smith 2, starring Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, directed by Angelina Jolie.
  3. Lucasfilms announces the next stand alone Star Wars story will be a Jar Jar Binks spinoff.
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A few years ago, I was dieting and lost a decent amount of weight. Some friends said “Don’t lose too much weight!“ which made me laugh since I’ve never worried about being too skinny. In fact, I gained back some of the weight and here are ten reasons why it happened and why anorexia is unlikely to ever be a concern.
  1. Dark Chocolate
    If I had to, I could resist milk chocolate. Dark chocolate is a different matter though. Something about the slight taste of bitter enhances the sweetness of the confection and I’m powerless to resist it. It can be a basic square of chocolate or something that has been dipped, coated, smothered or infused with dark chocolate and I’ll happily ingest it.
  2. Ice Cream
    People have been making great things with staples like milk, eggs and sugar for centuries. Ice cream is one of the big successes to come from those culinary experiments. There are hundreds of different flavors, and then you throw in fruit, nuts, chocolate, etc… and you have an irresistible treat. From plain vanilla to Americone Dream, from the Neapolitan flavors all kids debated to luxurious Dove Dark Chocolate covered bars, ice cream is a comfort food essential.
  3. Bread
    Plenty of people here have done their variation of the Forrest-Gump-shrimp-speech for bread and I’m in total agreement with them- fresh from the oven, toasted and buttered, turned into French Toast, dipped in oil as an appetizer, turned into pretzels, used for grilled cheese sandwiches and so forth. There is such a thing as bad bread though (like if it is soggy, mealy, undercooked, processed, rosemary infused, etc…) so don’t waste calories on anything less than excellent bread.
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#OscarsSoWhite will soon start trending again. The lack of diversity at the Awards is more an issue of a flawed movie making system than it is of the Oscars voting process but just to confirm, or rebuke, this theory, let’s see if we can come up with some non-white movies/actors/directors/writers that the Academy should have nominated for an Oscar.
  1. Director: Ryan Coogler (Creed)
  2. Actor: Michael B. Jordan (Creed)
  3. Actor: Idris Elba (Beasts Of No Nation)
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New expressions crop up all the time but I refuse to abandon perfectly functional older ones just because some overly cool hipsters decided to float a new one out there this week.
  1. Fetch
    I “only” liked the movie Mean Girls since it was a bit derivative of Clueless and Heathers but I really loved some certain things in the movie, particularly the idea of deliberately trying to make a catchphrase happen.
  2. Awesome sauce
    First of all, I love the word “awesome” and then the sound of the two words together flows so nicely. Plus it always reminds me of that perky and adorable insurance commercial with the twin sisters. I don’t usually say it in conversation, because people would probably look at me like I was strange, but when I want to amuse myself I’ll whisper “Awesome sauce” to myself. Either that or “Tots Magoats” or maybe “Kewl”.
  3. ".....not so much."
    Example of usage: “I love most of the characters on Blackish. The two little kids are hilarious. The mother-in-law…. not so much.” I have been using this phrase since I first heard it on the television show “Mad About You”. I’m not sure if it originated there but that’s where I came across it. The delivery of the phrase by Paul Reiser was so perfect.
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I noticed some people follow the conventional 5 or ten point list but then there are others that do random numbers and longer lists. Here is my official ranking, as determined by a completely subjective and non-scientific method, of the most commonly used quantities when making a list of things.
  1. 10
    The gold standard of list length. Everyone makes top ten lists when compiling “stuff”. Even if they only have 7 items, they find a way to stretch it out to get to ten items because it makes the list feel comprehensive but not overwhelmingly so and it fits nicely on a page or a screen. Ten items allows for some flexibility and room for non-obvious choices on a list. Imagine if a list of the best Stephen King novels was only 5 items long.
  2. 5
    This is the little sibling of the Top Ten list. Sometimes you have time or space constraints and can’t cover an entire ten item list. A Top Five list is also used when you just can’t legitimately get to ten items. For example, you can’t make a top ten list of your favorite Beatles. Once you rank Paul McCartney, George Harrison, John Lennon, and Ringo Starr (and in that order), you are basically just deciding whether to put either Pete Best or Stu Sutcliff on the list.
  3. 20
    The expanded, deluxe edition of the Top Ten list for when you have so many good choices that limiting it to ten items would be a disservice. For instance, listing the top twenty James Bond movies, television series final episodes, restaurants in the Washington DC area, movies of the year, dream vacation destinations, and so forth. When the number of quality choices goes way beyond ten items, you go to the expanded edition and decide on twenty worthy selections.
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