STAGES OF EATING TOAST
Everybody does it like this, right?
- •Make toastYou may be a normal functioning adult with a toaster. I am not. I place my bread in the graveyard of crumbs, a.k.a. the oven. 425 degrees is preferable, because bread burns easily at that temperature, making your life more exciting.
- •Make sure your butter is softButter must be soft and spreadable at all times, unless we're making pie crust, CLEARLY that is not what is happening here.
- •If your butter is not soft :(Do not microwave it because you will melt it no matter how hard you try not to. It is your lot in life; you can probably blame your mother for this. Instead, transfer butter to plastic wrap and wrap it up tightly. Place butter package on a cutting board and whack at it with a rolling pin, turning occasionally, until malleable. This is why you are late for work.
- •Remove toast from toasting implementSelf-explanatory.
- •Immediately add butter to toastDo not attempt to blow-dry half of your hair or make your bed in between removing the toast and adding butter. The toast will get cold and you will become sad.
- •(Make sure it's at least 1 tbsp. per slice)
- •Let butter get a little melty and oozy. Add flaky sea salt, cinnamon, and bee pollenSurely you have all of these ingredients in your home at this moment.
- •Eat a few bitesIt's delicious! Needs more butter.
- •Add more butterYou licked the knife, didn't you? You animal.
- •Eat more bitesYou are almost done!
- •Feel brief moment of panic because toast is nearly goneFor your last bite, unwrap the butter you have re-wrapped and put away because you have self-control, damn it. Stick the toast nubbin in the butter (~1 tsp.); add more sea salt, bee pollen, et al. Wipe crumbs from your mouth, butter from your lips.
- •Congratulations!You have eaten toast.