STAGES OF EATING TOAST

Everybody does it like this, right?
  1. 1.
    Make toast
    You may be a normal functioning adult with a toaster. I am not. I place my bread in the graveyard of crumbs, a.k.a. the oven. 425 degrees is preferable, because bread burns easily at that temperature, making your life more exciting.
  2. 2.
    Make sure your butter is soft
    Butter must be soft and spreadable at all times, unless we're making pie crust, CLEARLY that is not what is happening here.
  3. 3.
    If your butter is not soft :(
    Do not microwave it because you will melt it no matter how hard you try not to. It is your lot in life; you can probably blame your mother for this. Instead, transfer butter to plastic wrap and wrap it up tightly. Place butter package on a cutting board and whack at it with a rolling pin, turning occasionally, until malleable. This is why you are late for work.
  4. 4.
    Remove toast from toasting implement
    Self-explanatory.
  5. 5.
    Immediately add butter to toast
    Do not attempt to blow-dry half of your hair or make your bed in between removing the toast and adding butter. The toast will get cold and you will become sad.
  6. 6.
    (Make sure it's at least 1 tbsp. per slice)
  7. 7.
    Let butter get a little melty and oozy. Add flaky sea salt, cinnamon, and bee pollen
    Surely you have all of these ingredients in your home at this moment.
  8. 8.
    Eat a few bites
    It's delicious! Needs more butter.
  9. 9.
    Add more butter
    You licked the knife, didn't you? You animal.
  10. 10.
    Eat more bites
    You are almost done!
  11. 11.
    Feel brief moment of panic because toast is nearly gone
    For your last bite, unwrap the butter you have re-wrapped and put away because you have self-control, damn it. Stick the toast nubbin in the butter (~1 tsp.); add more sea salt, bee pollen, et al. Wipe crumbs from your mouth, butter from your lips.
  12. 12.
    Congratulations!
    You have eaten toast.