WHY I DESERVE THIS 36-HOUR HANGOVER

On the flip side, dear god what have I ever done to deserve this hangover?
  1. I didn't eat dinner
    The @BonAppetit holiday party started at 6:30, and the last thing I ate before heading over was a yogurt at noon. There were tacos and ice cream and pizza at the party. Did I eat any of them? No. I did not.
  2. I drank all of the wine
    Oh, sure, make your drink of choice an alcohol with plenty of residual sugar. THAT IS A GREAT IDEA.
  3. ...ALL of the wine
    If you order 87 glasses of wine but don't finish any of them it's basically like not drinking at all. Yep. That's how it works. (That's not how it works.)
  4. I made poor food decisions when I got home
    The smartest snack I could have eaten when I arrived home after the most expensive uber ride of my life would have been something with protein. Do you think that is what I ate? No. I ate dried apricots and figs, adding even MORE sugar to my system. (Side note: Who eats dried apricots as drunk food?)
  5. I didn't drink enough water
    I drank about 12 ounces of sparkling water at the party (waaaay too busy dancing to be bothered with hydrating) and another 12 when I got home. THAT IS NOT ENOUGH.
  6. I didn't sleep enough
    I got about 5 1/2 hours of sleep because...
  7. I went for a run in the morning
    Instead of forcing myself back to sleep for a couple more hours, I decided a run in the park would help cure my throbbing head. Excellent idea; dehydrate yourself EVEN MORE.
  8. I'm old
    Apparently this just gets worse the older you get. I should have known better. Consider this my solemn vow: I'm never drinking again...until next time.