People Who Will Not Receive One of My Precious Mcsweeney's Postcards

Now, finally, they will rue the day they earned my ire.
  1. Alison Ritholtz, who in 8th grade asked why my eyebrows have grown together.
    My mother said you picked on me because you liked me, but I have my doubts.
  2. Randy Beller, J.C. Penney manager of Men's Dept., who repeatedly rated my maintenance of Briefs & Underwear as "Needs Improvement."
    I can only hope you're still working there, Randy.
  3. Gus, the plumber who told my wife that "somebody" could easily have fixed that before the floor rotted out.
    I'm a professional book reviewer, Gus. I don't need any help feeling emasculated.
  4. Eric Handy, who said his dog does not bite.
    Yes, I know the "Pink Panther" joke, but it still wasn't funny.
  5. Joyce, the Verizon customer service rep, who promised, on March 23, 2007, that someone would get back to me soon. . . .
    Can you hear me now, Joyce?
  6. Professor Renning, who scrawled on the last page, "I'm going to stop grading your paper now because I've spent more time on it than you did."
    I keep hoping you'll publish a book that I can review, Dr. Renning.