The 4 Places I Have Shit My Pants

I should probably start wearing a diaper, but it hasn't happened in a year.
  1. 1.
    Eminem Concert in 6th Grade in Fort Lauderdale
    Got lost on the way to the arena, stopped for Airheads, ate them all, and then once we got there and were walking in, I told my dad I couldn't wait. I ran to the bushes looking like Slim Shady and left the bushes with my pants covered in shit because I forgot to bend over. People were making comments and doing the sniffing thing the whole time saying,"Man it smells like shit in here!" It fuckin sucked, but thankfully my friend I invited didn't tell anyone at school.
  2. 2.
    Junior Year at Cornell
    Those damn cafeterias and their oil. I lived on the 4th floor with a slow elevator and it stopped abruptly at 3 and shook me and I just shat my khakis into my Jordans. No one was waiting on the 3rd floor, which is either a blessing or a really fucked up prank. Left them in the communal bathroom for someone else to deal with that shit. Threw them into the communal bathroom for someone else to deal with my shit and had to throw away the Jordans.
  3. 3.
    4 blocks away from work in Palo Alto
    I didn't know the Caltrain had a bathroom, so I held it in. Was walking, so fuckin close to work, I saw a port-a-potty behind the fence, tried to jump the construction site fence to see it was open, shit my pants climbing over. It was open so at least I got to wipe.
  4. 4.
    2nd week driving my first car in Miami
    Stopped by McDonalds for a sausage mcmuffin after football practice, didn't make it home in time to enjoy it in my bathroom