How to Be a Successful Businessman

In three easy steps.
  1. Change your name to something catchy
    Like Mitchy Jorbin, or Jubby Tombo!
  2. Have a good business idea
    Preferably with a pun-based name.
  3. Do good business
    Buy all the stocks. Then sell them to an orphan child named Clarence.
  4. Make connections
    Tweet at celebrities every day. Just say hi sometimes, but if the moment feels right, there are times when it's acceptable to ask for money.
  5. Learn to talk the talk
    "Dolla dolla bill ya'll" is something that should be slipped into every business pitch. Sometimes every sentence.