1. KILL: Fionna Wallice
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    Whether or not you believe in gay unicorns, Fiona's marital history is, at best, complicated. Though I applaud her ability to experiment with new modalities in the bedroom, I haven't had a backpack in years.
  2. FUCK: Michele Weinberger
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    It's tempting to slot Michele right in the marriage category: she's incredibly loyal, she does laundry and folds scarves, and we could spend Sunday afternoons watching Pretty Woman in bed. Moreover, Danny Weller could confirm she's not as kinky as you might want on a one nighter. (Well, he could have...if he hadn't died.) But her dances prove she knows when to be energetic but precise and when to be tender and serene.
  3. MARRY: Valerie Cherish
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    If you married Valerie, you would get to do all sorts of awesome things, like attending the Golden Globes (viewing party), visiting TV sets (in your own front yard!) and dancing all night at the Viper Room. You could enjoy her home cooking (when the wolves don't beat you to it) but never have to worry about getting fat--because you'd have your very own yoga studio right at home! She has awesome friends and, when it comes to raising a family, she knows all the eaters. She's It!