1. It's December and I'm in a crowded subway car with two of the rudest and meanest children I've ever seen. A homeless man turns to their mother and says, "Your kids are obnoxious. I hope they get shitty Christmas presents."
    My id is homeless?!?
  2. I make a mad dash to an express train that closes its doors just as I approach them. "Fuck!" I exclaim. A homeless man sitting on the platform smiles and says, "Don't worry, little buddy--there's always another train."
    Thus distilling the hundreds of dollars I've spent on self-help books into one toothless jewel
  3. It's 2:34 AM. I'm alone on a stalled C train with a man who looks suspiciously like Biggie. It's announced that we'll be running express to 125th Street. I grimace. Not Biggie leans over and says, "You got a sexy little pout. What you poutin' about? You cute, you skinny and you got an iPhone."
    Find our registry at theknot.com
  4. I'm waking on 145th Street on a beautiful spring morning. "Nice dress!" I say to a woman strolling in the opposite direction. Without even slowing down, she says, "I don't need you to like my dress" and keeps walking.
    Man, I really wanted to ask her to brunch and get her take on my love life.
  5. I'm signing autographs for kids after a performance of the "family show" in which I'm performing. An (over?)eager kid towards the back tries to get my attention by shouting, "Peter Parker! Hey, Peter Parker!" I smile, "Are you saying I look like Spider-Man?" "No," he responds, "Peter Parker."
    Always an alter-ego; never a superhero.