1. BJ has threatened to hurt me if I don't. (He can't see this, right?)
  2. Increases the odds Lena Dunham will name a momentarily relevant yet perpetually alluring Girls character after me.
  3. Because who knew Ricky Van Veen was funny? Well, I mean, he's trying. But who knew he would/could even try?
  4. BJ has threatened my safety via text message even as I type this. Are you hearing my cry for help?
  5. Hoping that when Teen Vogue does a sidebar on which apps Mindy Kaling is using, I'll get a mention as an example of a software bug that caused her to follow random losers
  6. Because ain't nobody got time to read long form.
  7. I live for the opportunity to pitifully roll my eyes at the desperate souls who didn't get invited into the beta. Any beta.
  8. I'm only here until the first fatality results from a bulleted vs numbered dispute. (Note: the Bible was numbered. This bullet-pointed list shit will likely draw papal ire.)
  9. I keep all my iOS apps ordered alphabetically on my phone and there was a glaring gap between "Karate Moves for Pussies" and "Medium-Big." (You guys aren't in that beta? Sigh.)