*Assuming all you want to do is eat Applebee's and see the Liberty Bell
  1. First things first: go straight to the Applebee's on Halsey St. in NE Portland.
    Start your Rose City journey off right by ordering off the 2 for $20® menu (personal recommendation - the Crunchy Onion Rings and Fiesta Lime Chicken). Pro-tip: Ask to be seated in Sheila's section. She is super prompt with the free refills on unsweetened iced tea!
  2. Next up, come to the realization that the Liberty Bell isn't in Portland. It's in Philadelphia.
    Fuck. You really wanted to see that Liberty Bell.
  3. Drown your Liberty Bell related sorrows with some Miller Lites and mozzarella sticks at the Applebee's in Happy Valley.
    It's a bit of a drive, but 100% worth it! Pro tip: tell Carlos, the bartender, you served in the armed forces and he'll hook you up with extra marinara.
  4. Damn, you're still pretty bummed out about that Liberty Bell thing, aren't you?
    Look, it's an honest mistake. Portland/Philadelphia - both start with P. Although you did know the Liberty Bell had something to do with colonial America, so why the hell would that be in Portland, which wasn't even founded until 1845? Way to go, moron. Jeez.
  5. Make your way south to the Applebee's in Lake Oswego.
    Lake Oswego has some beautiful vistas and plenty of waterfront fun, but you don't care about that, do you? No, you just want to gorge yourself on Shrimp n' Parmesan Sirloin® and wallow in the shame that despite a full year of AP US History, you somehow mixed up the location of one of this country's most famous landmarks. Seriously, you don't even deserve the NEW Maple Pecan Mashed Sweet Potatoes on the side (just kidding - they're scrumptious. You'd be a fool to pass them up).
  6. You know what? Screw it. Head to Powell's Books in downtown Portland.
    They have so many books. There's gotta be one with a picture of the Liberty Bell. At least you can see it that way.
  7. Hurry to the travel section —> US Cities —> Philadelphia
    You're getting so close! Oh God yes. Liberty Bell, here you come...
  8. There it is! The mother F'n Liberty Bell.
    Whoa momma! Check it out! Oh yeah. That's the good stuff.
  9. Celebrate your gander at that cracked piece of historical percussive majesty in style by hitting up the Applebee's in Beaverton!
    Loaded Brisket Enchiladas, Four Cheese Mac & Cheese, Chicken Tenders - go nuts! This is what you've been waiting for: the quintessential Portland Metropolitan Area Applebee's experience. Time to live it up! Pro-Tip: the faucet in the men's room sink doesn't work great, so you may have to juggle the handle a bit.
  10. Finally, head back to PDX knowing your 24 hours in glorious Portland was spent exactly as you hoped.
    Applebee's - check. [Picture of] the Liberty Bell - check. Way to go, Portland! What a town!
  11. Stay tuned for my next list - how to hit up all the Red Lobsters AND visit the Alamo in Sacramento!