CHECK OUT THIS LIST

Read this list
  1. Read this bullet point
  2. Now read this bullet point
  3. You can skip this one if you want
  4. Did you skip the last one? It's ok if you didn't. Nobody's judging you here.
  5. (I'm judging you)
  6. Definitely don't read the next bullet.
  7. HOLOCAUST. See, I told you not to read it. Now you're thinking about the Holocaust.
  8. You're probably sad.
  9. At least I hope you're sad - not, like, hungry or something, cuz that'd be kind of weird.
  10. Anyway, this is bullet point number 9.
    Or is it? Have you been counting? Do you trust me?
  11. I bet you're wondering if there's a point to this list.
  12. There is.
  13. Hey, here's a picture of a horse!
  14. This list is political in nature.
  15. You just have to get past all the symbolism.
  16. Fuck you, Ted Cruz.
  17. Like that last bullet point was symbolic of how Ted Cruz sucks.
  18. Crazy, right?
  19. Bullet point number 14.
    Or is it? Do numbers even matter anymore?
  20. Go back and re-read bullet point number 2.
  21. Did you do it? Probably not. That's ok. I probably haven't earned your trust.
  22. Here, let's do a trust exercise:
  23. Stand up.
  24. Close your eyes.
  25. Now fall backward. I promise I'll catch you.
  26. ...
  27. You didn't do it.
  28. That's fair.
  29. Wait, are your eyes still closed?
  30. Shoot, you're probably not reading any of this.
  31. Open your eyes!
  32. OPEN YOUR EYES!
  33. I'm imbuing this bullet point with the telepathic message to open your eyes. I hope it works.
  34. Did it work? Star for yes, re-list for no.
  35. Are you still here?
  36. Cruz 2016!
  37. Haha. Just kidding.
  38. Ted Cruz is the worst.
  39. Bullet point number 4!
    It moved all the way down here for some reason.
  40. For this bullet point, I'd like you to read David Foster Wallace's novel, Infinite Jest, in its entirety and respond with a five paragraph essay in the comments answering the following question: What do the parallels between Hal and Don Gately's storylines say about the nature of addiction within modern society?
  41. Great work! You made some excellent, well-reasoned insights, though please make sure to proofread your work! B+
  42. Hope you're not still thinking about the Holocaust.
  43. Oh crap. I just made you think of it again, didn't I?
  44. My b.
  45. You want to see that horse again?
  46. Great! I'll go get him.
  47. ...
  48. Uh oh.
  49. Got some bad news...
  50. The horse is dead.
  51. Horse cancer.
  52. Sorry about that.
  53. At least he went out doing what he loved: graffitiing offensive things about Arabs.
  54. Oh yeah, did I tell you he was a racist horse?
  55. Feel a little better about his demise now, don't you?
  56. As you should.
  57. That racist horse's name? Ted Cruz.
  58. Whoa
  59. Bet you didn't see that coming.
  60. Because your eyes are still closed.
  61. Like your mind.
  62. To the evils of Ted "Grandma Murderer" Cruz.
  63. That's right. Ted Cruz murders grandmas.
  64. Chew on that, Politico.
  65. Boo!
  66. Ah! Racist horse ghost!
  67. Get him, Ghostbusters!
  68. Fchew WHUNP Shproing! Zap! Pow! Kaboing-gersplat!
    (Additional ghost-busting sounds)
  69. Got him!
  70. Alright folks.
  71. I hope you enjoyed this.
  72. Stay tuned - we got a great show tonight. Maroon Five is here! We'll be right back!
  73. Or not.
  74. You decide.
  75. Either way, I'm glad we could have our little Ted Cruz hatin', racist horse zappin' journey.
  76. But now that journey has ended.
  77. And I will leave you with these parting words:
  78. You can't spell "smile" without "lie"
  79. Think on that.
  80. And not about the Holocaust.
  81. 😘
  82. Re-read this list.