EMPLOYEES AT THIS CHASE BANK, RANKED BY HOW WILLING THEY ARE TO SNUGGLE

  1. 1.
    Greg
    Greg was initially hesitant and tried to focus more on helping me open up a new money market account, but once I got in there and started snuggling I think even he'd have to admit he enjoyed it.
  2. 2.
    Meryl
    Boy, Meryl was a shy one. Had to chase her down near over where they keep the deposit slips for even just a few seconds of snuggling. And then she yelled and squirmed for most of it. Someone sure could stand to learn some proper snuggling technique.
  3. 3.
    Murph
    Murph seemed to be a bank manager of some sort, so you'd think he could manage a little snuggling. Well, guess again! Instead, he politely asked that I leave his employees alone and exit the premises if I had no further banking to conduct. Kind of hard to snuggle with such a wet blanket, Murph!
  4. 4.
    Glen
    Glen may be a good security guard, but when it comes to securing a good snuggle, try somewhere else. He roughly grabbed my arm (which I guess you could count as a mini snuggle, but I wouldn't) and led me outside, shouting at me that me and my snuggles were not welcome. Rude!
  5. 5.
    Charlie
    Technically Charlie is an NYPD officer so I don't think that counts as a Chase employee, but he was called to the scene after my fifth attempt to get past Glen and find some more snuggle buddies. Regardless of his employer Charlie had no interest in snuggling. Instead, he seemed to prefer telling me to get on the ground with my hands behind my back (definitely not optimal snuggling form) and calling for backup (I thought maybe he meant backup snugglers, but no).
  6. 6.
    *Did not get name
    Not sure who this man was, but he definitely did not want to snuggle.
  7. 7.
    Officer Moynahan and Officer Davis
    Would not let me sit in the front of the patrol car and snuggle with them. Instead they told me to "keep your goddamn hands to yourself, you fuckin perv and don't do any freaky shit in the back of this cruiser either or we will tase your ass." On the plus side, they let me choose the radio station so I picked news.
  8. 8.
    Rufus
    Ok, technically Rufus (my new cell mate) was the most willing to snuggle of all, but it was DEFINITELY NOT the kind of snuggling I like, which is soft and gentle. I won't go into more detail except to say that I am overall very disappointed with my experience at Chase Bank and will probably take both my banking and snuggling to Wells Fargo next time!