FACTS ABOUT NARWHALS THAT MAY OR MAY NOT ALSO APPLY TO DONALD TRUMP

  1. Narwhals are medium-sized whales
    Despite recent increases in rotundity, Trump would probably best be described as a small-sized whale - a petite beluga as it were.
  2. The pigmentation of narwhals is a mottled pattern
    Unquestionably true for Trump. See:
  3. Narwhals do not have a dorsal fin, and their neck vertebrae are jointed like those of other mammals, not fused as in dolphins and most whales
    Technically unconfirmed as I have never seen a picture of a shirtless Trump to prove the absence of a dorsal fin. Probably a safe bet, but then again WHAT ARE YOU HIDING, DONALD??? #dorsaltruth
  4. Adult narwhals mate in April or May when they are in the offshore pack ice
    Well, his son, Eric, was born in January, so he must have been conceived in April. Not sure about the offshore pack ice part, but let's pencil this in as a yes.
  5. During the summer, narwhals mostly eat Arctic cod and Greenland halibut, with other fish such as polar cod making up the remainder of their diet
    Trump seems like a guy who eats a lot of fish and probably tries to stick with whatever's in season, so I'm gonna tab this as a 'yes.' Go ahead and prove me wrong.
  6. Narwhals have only occasionally been observed using the tusk for aggressive behavior
    Ew. Not even gonna touch this one.
  7. Despite its vulnerability to sea ice change, the narwhal has some flexibility when it comes to sea ice and habitat selection
    Super applicable to Trump, who, like all of human civilization, is vulnerable to sea ice change (see: rising ocean levels caused by global warming), and who has plenty of flexibility when it comes to selecting the perfect sea ice for his habitat.
  8. As with most toothed whales, narwhals use sound to navigate and hunt for food. "Clicks", "whistles" and "knocks", may be created via air between chambers near the blow-hole.
    I'm willing to bet the noises coming out of a narwhal's blow hole sound a lot less asinine than the ones coming out of Trump's.
  9. In Inuit legend, the narwhal's tusk was created when a woman with a harpoon rope tied around her waist was dragged into the ocean after the harpoon had struck a whale.
    This one is clearly not applicable to trump, who, according to Inuit legend, was created when a racist polar bear took a really big dump.
  10. Well, there you have it. Final verdict: Trump is probably not a narwhal, but about as qualified as one to be this country's next president.