How Trump Can Turn This Around

  1. Reveals entire campaign is extended bit for "Billy on the Street." Gives everyone who maintained their disgust through election cycle $1.
  2. Releases tax returns, which prove that Trump did have $6 billion dollars once, but spent nearly all of it genetically engineering Simone Biles in lab as "his gift to America."
  3. Singlehandedly convinces Frank Ocean to drop his album ASAP.
  4. Reveals at end of third debate that he's had his fingers crossed this entire time.
  5. New platform: Free Adnan
  6. Replaces Mike Pence with picnic basket full of corgi puppies and a card saying, "I'm sorry, Muslims. Plz can we have a do-over?"
  7. Buys out FoxNews. Forces Sean Hannity to do show wearing sandwich board reading "I am Buttface McGee."
  8. A blood-splattered second Donald Trump bursts into the first debate. Yells that the Trump onstage is an imposter, and that he, the real Donald Trump, has been held captive by Putin in an underground lair for ten years, but fought his way out to stop the fake Trump and save America.
    The Trump onstage shouts, "no, it is he who is the imposter," to which the blood-splattered Trump shouts back, "what is two divided by zero?" The onstage Trump's eyes glaze over as sparks shoot from its neck. "Beep boop beep - does not compute. Build the wall. Beep boop," it says as its circuits melt down, revealing it was a robot all along. The crowd cheers. "So that's why he was always asking for oil," says a perplexed Chris Christie.
  9. Stops saying/tweeting vile rhetoric and shameless lies, disavows his bigoted supporters and offers actual, thought-out solutions for the issues facing our country today.
    Ha! Just kidding. That one will never happen.