IF EACH REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE WAS A DIFFERENT VARIETY OF ZATARAIN'S® RICE MIX...

A comprehensive matching of GOPs with everyone's favorite purveyor of easy-to-make rice-based side dishes.
  1. Chris Christie - Red Beans and Rice
    On the heavy side, though maybe not so terrible at first bite. But after a while starts to really stink up the place and make you sick.
  2. Donald Trump - Dirty Rice
    Exciting and something you buy into for the name, but utterly gross once you're actually eating it.
  3. Bobby Jindal - Cajun Chicken Flavored Rice
    "Hey, I like New Orleans," you thought, "maybe this'll be decent." Oh how wrong you were.
  4. Ted Cruz - Cheddar and Broccoli Rice
    Tries to pretend like it's better for you than the others, but not fooling anyone. Pretty much awful garbage slop.
  5. Jeb Bush - Rice Pilaf
    You've had this before, and maybe it's not as bad as you remember--nope definitely still horrible.
  6. Marco Rubio - Spanish Rice
    "Ooh! How spicy and exotic!" you think, but really it's the same flavor as all the others.
  7. Rand Paul - Reduced Sodium Jambalaya Mix
    Likes things reduced, but still comes of as a disgusting potpourri of distaste.
  8. John Kasich - Yellow Rice
    Nothing exciting, but at least it sort of approaches something inoffensive.
  9. Carly Fiorina - Garlic Butter Flavored Rice
    Ok, well it's a little different. Maybe classier than the rest. Still terrible for you.
  10. Mike Huckabee - Creamy Parmesan Rice
    Nothing about this sounded good and it is exactly as awful as you imagined. Blech.
  11. Rick Santorum - Rice Pudding Mix
    Just utterly disgusting on every level. Why does this exist.
  12. Lindsay Graham - Black Beans and Rice
    Boring and yet still unappetizing.
  13. George Pataki - Black-Eyed Peas and Rice
    Pretty much the same as black beans and rice, but somehow less appealing.
  14. Ben Carson - Uncle Ben's
    What the hell? Why are they on this list? They do not meet even the most basic qualifications to be here. Why don't people understand this??? What's wrong with America???