A comprehensive matching of GOPs with everyone's favorite purveyor of easy-to-make rice-based side dishes.
  1. Chris Christie - Red Beans and Rice
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    On the heavy side, though maybe not so terrible at first bite. But after a while starts to really stink up the place and make you sick.
  2. Donald Trump - Dirty Rice
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    Exciting and something you buy into for the name, but utterly gross once you're actually eating it.
  3. Bobby Jindal - Cajun Chicken Flavored Rice
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    "Hey, I like New Orleans," you thought, "maybe this'll be decent." Oh how wrong you were.
  4. Ted Cruz - Cheddar and Broccoli Rice
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    Tries to pretend like it's better for you than the others, but not fooling anyone. Pretty much awful garbage slop.
  5. Jeb Bush - Rice Pilaf
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    You've had this before, and maybe it's not as bad as you remember--nope definitely still horrible.
  6. Marco Rubio - Spanish Rice
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    "Ooh! How spicy and exotic!" you think, but really it's the same flavor as all the others.
  7. Rand Paul - Reduced Sodium Jambalaya Mix
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    Likes things reduced, but still comes of as a disgusting potpourri of distaste.
  8. John Kasich - Yellow Rice
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    Nothing exciting, but at least it sort of approaches something inoffensive.
  9. Carly Fiorina - Garlic Butter Flavored Rice
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    Ok, well it's a little different. Maybe classier than the rest. Still terrible for you.
  10. Mike Huckabee - Creamy Parmesan Rice
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    Nothing about this sounded good and it is exactly as awful as you imagined. Blech.
  11. Rick Santorum - Rice Pudding Mix
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    Just utterly disgusting on every level. Why does this exist.
  12. Lindsay Graham - Black Beans and Rice
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    Boring and yet still unappetizing.
  13. George Pataki - Black-Eyed Peas and Rice
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    Pretty much the same as black beans and rice, but somehow less appealing.
  14. Ben Carson - Uncle Ben's
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    What the hell? Why are they on this list? They do not meet even the most basic qualifications to be here. Why don't people understand this??? What's wrong with America???