IF EACH REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE WAS A DIFFERENT VARIETY OF ZATARAIN'S® RICE MIX...
A comprehensive matching of GOPs with everyone's favorite purveyor of easy-to-make rice-based side dishes.
- •Chris Christie - Red Beans and RiceOn the heavy side, though maybe not so terrible at first bite. But after a while starts to really stink up the place and make you sick.
- •Donald Trump - Dirty RiceExciting and something you buy into for the name, but utterly gross once you're actually eating it.
- •Bobby Jindal - Cajun Chicken Flavored Rice"Hey, I like New Orleans," you thought, "maybe this'll be decent." Oh how wrong you were.
- •Ted Cruz - Cheddar and Broccoli RiceTries to pretend like it's better for you than the others, but not fooling anyone. Pretty much awful garbage slop.
- •Jeb Bush - Rice PilafYou've had this before, and maybe it's not as bad as you remember--nope definitely still horrible.
- •Marco Rubio - Spanish Rice"Ooh! How spicy and exotic!" you think, but really it's the same flavor as all the others.
- •Rand Paul - Reduced Sodium Jambalaya MixLikes things reduced, but still comes of as a disgusting potpourri of distaste.
- •John Kasich - Yellow RiceNothing exciting, but at least it sort of approaches something inoffensive.
- •Carly Fiorina - Garlic Butter Flavored RiceOk, well it's a little different. Maybe classier than the rest. Still terrible for you.
- •Mike Huckabee - Creamy Parmesan RiceNothing about this sounded good and it is exactly as awful as you imagined. Blech.
- •Rick Santorum - Rice Pudding MixJust utterly disgusting on every level. Why does this exist.
- •Lindsay Graham - Black Beans and RiceBoring and yet still unappetizing.
- •George Pataki - Black-Eyed Peas and RicePretty much the same as black beans and rice, but somehow less appealing.
- •Ben Carson - Uncle Ben'sWhat the hell? Why are they on this list? They do not meet even the most basic qualifications to be here. Why don't people understand this??? What's wrong with America???