WHAT THE GUY'S RESPONSES REALLY SHOULD BE IN THE SONG, "BABY IT'S COLD OUTSIDE"

You know, instead of the original, creepy version. (PS, what are the odds we can get @john to do a cover of this?)
  1. I really can't stay...
    That's fine. I totally understand. You're welcome to leave at any time.
  2. I've got to go away...
    No worries at all. I hope I haven't said or done anything to upset you and hasten your departure, but assure you that whatever the reason, I will not stand in your way.
  3. This evening has been...
    (Silence, while he waits for her to complete her thought)
  4. So very nice.
    I agree wholeheartedly. I'm glad we were able to enjoy some time together as two equals!
  5. My mother will start to worry...
    Would you like to use my cell phone to call her and assure her you're on the way?
  6. My father will be pacing the floor...
    Seriously, feel free to call them if you want to. I value your relationship with your family and don't want to be any sort of obstacle to it.
  7. So really I'd better scurry...
    And you are fully within your rights to do so. Again, no one is pressuring you to stay.
  8. Well, maybe just half a drink more...
    Are you positive that's a good idea? I'm not trying to control what you can/can't put in your body or saying that it's more your responsibility to stay sober than it is mine to respect your boundaries. In fact, you can get as drunk as you want and I promise I will make no inappropriate advances or do anything but look after your well being if needed. That said, if you do have that extra half a drink, we should probably get you an Uber just to be safe.
  9. The neighbors might think...
    That's entirely their problem. Don't let the judgements of others affect how you live your live. Be proud of who you are and what you do!
  10. Say, what's in this drink?
    A Sonoma Valley Cabernet Franc, but you know that, having poured it yourself.
  11. I wish I knew how...
    How to what? As a capable adult woman, I am sure that whatever it is, you already know or can take the necessary steps to learn without my mansplaining it to you in condescending fashion.
  12. To break this spell.
    Oh! You have to destroy all of Voldemort's horcruxes.
  13. I ought to say, "no, no, no, sir..."
    And I ought to (and will) say, "I hear you and respect your wishes, ma'am."
  14. At least I'm gonna say that I tried...
    And succeeded because you are a capable, powerful woman in the presence of a man who respects you AND your ambitions!
  15. I really can't stay.
    That's ok.
  16. I simply must go...
    I understand.
  17. The answer is no...
    I hear you loud and clear and will act accordingly.
  18. The welcome has been...
    (Again, silently waits for her to finish)
  19. So nice and warm.
    Well that's great to hear. However I do not take that to mean anything more than an approval of our previous time together and in no way think it suggests you "asking for" any sort of further sexual aggression on my part.
  20. My sister will be suspicious...
    As a cis-gendered male, I can in no way comment knowingly about the relationship between two sisters. Therefore I will allow you to inform me about this particular familial dynamic.
  21. My brother will be there at the door...
    I don't know whether to view this as a patriarchal symbol of his masculine need to protect his female kin as his property, or a simple gesture of care between siblings. I'm curious what you think.
  22. My maiden aunt's mind is vicious...
    Is "maiden aunt" a politically correct term? I wouldn't want to offend her or anyone with its use.
  23. But maybe just a cigarette more.
    Look, feminist or not, you should know that smoking has been proven to cause lung cancer, heart disease, emphysema and complications during pregnancy. Also my landlord doesn't allow smoking in this place, so unfortunately that's a non-starter.
  24. I got to get home...
    No worries! Let's call that uber.
  25. Say, lend me a coat...
    Sure thing. Here take this Summit Ice jacket I just got. It's really warm. You can give it back to me whenevs.
  26. You've really been grand...
    And so have you. You'll have to come back so we can read more Adrienne Rich poetry and discuss her evolution as a wordsmith in the context of second-wave feminism.
  27. But don't you see?
    See what? Tell me what to see and I will try.
  28. There's bound to be talk tomorrow...
    That's good. Communication is a key component of any relationship. I value hearing what you have to say.
  29. At least there will be plenty implied...
    Girl, who cares what others think? Be fearless and be yourself, because you are a-ma-zing!
  30. I really can't stay...
    And I respect your decision completely. By the way, it's a little chilly out there.