CELEBRITY SEX TAPES, RANKED

I had to watch all of these for work (I swear!) and these are my thoughts.
  1. 1.
    "Pam and Tommy: Stolen Honeymoom" (1998)
    The unintentional pioneers of the celebrity sex tape also made the best one. These two are literally in the honeymoon phase, calling each other "lover" throughout and just worshipping each other. Only 6 of the 75 minutes are sex, which might be infuriating for some, but the chemistry is so real. More like BAEwatch #lol
  2. 2.
    "Kim Kardashian, Superstar" (2007) starring Kim and Ray J
    For a sex tape, there's really not a ton of sex BUT they joke with each other like a real couple and it's just a great reminder that Kanye is getting Brandy's brother's sloppy seconds. And dat a$$!!!!
  3. 3.
    "Untitled Colin Farrell Sex Tape" (2006) starring Colin Farrell + Nicole Narain
    Farrell and the Playboy playmate is the hottest combo yet f'sho but the set is grody and they reverse cowgirl without a condom. Two forms, ladies!
  4. 4.
    "1 Night in Paris" (2004) starring Paris Hilton + Rick Salamon
    Dick move by Rick to leak but it made a lot more people watch The Simple Life. He goes down on her which is sweet but she doesn't O. Night vision makes them look like glowing-eyed rodents.
  5. 5.
    "Untitled Fred Durst Sex Tape" (2005) starring Fred Durst + some chick
    Chick is p hot and sure I was curious to see how a guy who has had sex with Xtina and Brit has sex, but it's only three minutes and his face sucks. Background music is "Blanket" by Urban Species.
  6. 6.
    "Farrah Superstar: Backdoor Teen Mom" (2013) starring Farrah Abraham + James Deen
    Advertised as "the private tape made public" even though a.) Deen is a seasoned pro and b.) it was clearly professionally taped by a large crew. Just sad. Deen seems completely weirded out when Abraham wants it in the b right away. Same.
  7. 7.
    "Screeched - Saved By The Smell" (2006) starring Dustin Diamond + two chicks
    Two tanked females (who aren't Kelly Kapowski) dressed as brides eat a candy necklace off of Screech's schlong (affectionately and inaccurately referred to as "The Beast") and then he Dirty Sanchez's one of them. Avoid.