This was a request from @HilaryKissinger! Spoiler alert: I did not hold back.
  1. You have just as much a right to be in that room/on that stage/on that show/in that movie as any dude. In fact, you have more of a right, because you're a girl and you probably had to work harder to get there. Remember this.
  2. If people say, "I don't usually find women funny, but you're great!" dismiss them as idiots, because they are idiots (except for the part about you being great, which is obviously true).
  3. Take baths.
  4. Get your own room on the road whenever possible. At least get your own couch. Tell people with whom you're touring that you like to take time to yourself. Go for a walk.
  5. You can live like a pauper or on credit or whatever until you're 35, at which point I would like for you to buy some framed posters and invest in quality tampons. Do everything else exactly as you've been doing it.
  6. Invest in a great accountant.
  7. You probably don't need a manager. (If you are rich and famous you might need one. If you're trying to get sets at dive bars or go through the UCB system, focus on your work, not your management.) You do need an agent, eventually.
  8. Hire and fire people with grace. If they act like shitbags, treat them like children. If they act cool, act the same. Remember that you can like someone personally but not professionally.
  9. Don't get caught up in what a lady blog thinks of you. They pay people a pittance to write lots of stuff. If somebody there likes your shit, great. They were paid far less than they are worth to write said opinion. If they don't like you, fuck it. They were paid shit to write shit. You can revel in that knowledge or you can move on. Move on.
  10. I was once asked what role I would like to play in a TV project based on my own life story. I said, "I kind of would like to write, but would that be weird for other writers?" Diablo Cody looked at me and said, "If you were a man, would you ask me that question?" I remember that before every single meeting.
  11. The writer Sarah Hagi once wrote, "Lord, grant me the confidence of a mediocre white man." Whenever you doubt your set, your pitch, your bit, your fucking tweet, tell yourself this.
  12. ALWAYS ASK FOR MORE. More money. More credit. More wigs. Wigs are great. You can write off a portion of wigs on your taxes. I'm not kidding.
  13. Don't drink, snort, smoke or fuck everything. Most of the things: yes! All of the things: no! You must put your work first and that means being alive and healthy and reasonably sane.
  14. When in doubt, ask yourself what Amy Poehler would do.