MY LAST PHONE CONVERSATION WITH MY ITALIAN GRANDMOTHER

*Disclaimer: Even though she repeats herself a lot, this can be range from 20 minutes to an hour of pure entertainment. Also, when reading this try and read each bullet in a thick Brooklyn accent for the full effect.
  1. Grandma: "Hi sweetie how are you?" *before I can even respond... "Your graduation ceremony last week was lovely... Ya get a job yet?"
    I just graduated UD with a teaching degree 2 weeks after I finished student teaching... Definitely not employed just yet.
  2. Grandma: "Ya know some of these places don't want paper copies of your resume. Ya gotta do it all online, what if you don't have access to a computer???"
  3. Me: "it's okay grandma, I have my laptop. Actually I'm working on sending out applications now."
  4. Grandma: "Oh good. Lissen, don't apply for any jobs far from home ya hear me? I'll kill ya." (150th time hearing this)
  5. Me: "yes grandma, I know you will" (as I hit the submit button for a teaching job in Maryland, over 100 miles away from home)
  6. Grandma: "good girl, you know I just say that stuff because I love ya. Can you see me right now??"
  7. I turn and look around my living room in horror. "No... What do you mean can I see you??? We're talking on the phone and you don't have FaceTime"
    I live in NJ and she was at home in NY when this phone conversation took place. Keep in mind she doesn't drive either, so the possibility of her breaking and entering my house was slim to zero at that moment
  8. Grandma: "oh I'm looking at the computer screen... I got confused."
  9. Me: "you're talking on the phone, staring at a blank computer screen.... Did you think you were skyping me?"
    I applauded myself for piecing this together, not gonna lie about it.
  10. Grandma: "yeah yeah!! That skype thing that your grandpa uses to talk to your cousins in Texas. I don't think I'm using it right."
  11. Me: "no you aren't, but that's okay. How's grandpa?"
  12. Grandma: "he's good, oh ya wanna speak to him? Let me get him," as I hear her shout "Mussolini where are you? Ya granddaughter wants to speak to you."
    His name sometimes switches between: Tony, grandpa, Mussolini, or Lucifer depending on how she's feeling each day.
  13. Grandma: "okay my Bella baby I'm gonna put grandpa on. I love ya. Call your grandma sometime, you never call me just like ya mother. Okay buh-buyyy."
    End conversation. Oh the total 25 minutes elapsed I believe I spoke for 5 of them. 20 minutes of thorough entertainment and slight terror.