WHAT I WANTED TO BE GROWING UP, CHRONOLOGICALLY

I'm not clever.
  1. Age 3: President
    COMIN 4 U, IOWA
  2. Age 5: NBA player
    I am 5'11, moderately athletic at best, and basically translucent.
  3. Age 9: President, again.
    SAMMAN/BIDEN 2016
  4. Age 11: Pro tennis player
    I won my first match and thought I was the hottest piece of ass alive. A week later the girl I had a crush on called me fat and it was alllll downhill.
  5. Age 11: Chemist
    My uncle won a Nobel prize and gets to live in Pasadena. Pasadena is a lot nicer than Michigan.
  6. Age 16: Consultant
    Yayyyy Duke stereotypes
  7. Age 18: Journalist
    I wrote things
  8. Age 19: Presidential speech writer
    Sort of full circle?