the unsolicited family updates of my dreams
  1. "Bobby made the honor roll this year."
    "He also swallowed an entire roll of pennies, which we've been told is alarming behavior for a 10 yr old. I don't know, guys. We're figuring things out!"
  2. "Josh is thriving in his sophomore year at Vanderbilt."
    "He was crawl-crying on the floor of his girlfriend's dorm room last night, begging her to take him back. We're hoping she does. We all like her a lot."
  3. "Little Lucy earned Student of the Month 8 months in a row this year!"
    "Her homeschool group of 3 students isn't as academically challenging as we were hoping :/ We're looking at other options for next year, but we respectfully don't want your opinions on how to raise our child. Please don't @ us!"
  4. "Janice and I celebrated our 35th anniversary in November."
    "We're both really happy like 65% of the time, but honestly marriage is the hardest thing either of us could have ever imagined. We think it's worth it, but time will tell!"
  5. "Asheleighee just graduated from medical school, and we have never been prouder of her hard work and dedication."
    "tbh we deeply regret not spelling her name 'Ashley'"
  6. "Grandma Pearl turned 87! She's living her best life!"
    "She wrote me and Janice out of the will when the kids stopped visiting her in the nursing home. The kids are still in the will though, which is like weird but cool!"
  7. "Happy Holidays to you and yours."
    "2017 will probably usher in the beginning stages of the apocalypse, but maybe Tiger Woods will make a comeback or something. Who knows!"