LIES I TOLD MY CONSERVATIVE INDIAN PARENTS TO MAKE THEM THINK I WAS STUDIOUS IN COLLEGE

tips & tricks of the trade
  1. I can't call home on the weekends, because there's no cellphone service in the library.
  2. The bi-weekly "Shooters II" charges on my credit card are from our favorite pizzeria!
    Shooters II Bar & Saloon is Duke's premier (read: most redneck) college bar.
  3. I usually tank up my car once a week, at this place called "ABC"...?
  4. I can't come home for spring break because I'm working on getting a paper published at the lab where I do research.
    also because I'm calling you via FaceTime audio from Punta Cana.
  5. That research paper never worked out because the Ph.D. in charge got really busy with other projects.
    not because I had to cancel our initial meeting 3 times due to debilitating hangovers...
  6. The reason I don't remember your surprise visit post-tailgate is because I'd just pulled an all-nighter studying for a midterm--I was practically sleepwalking!
    it had nothing to do with the 3 whiskey bongs that occurred shortly before I saw you
  7. that table in my apartment works great for serving foods buffet-style when I have a lot of friends over for dinner!
    that's a beer pong table, mom.
  8. It is ABSOLUTELY mandatory that I go back to school a week before classes start so I can help my sorority prepare for formal recruitment.
    realistically I'll bail on all recruitment rehearsals and invite friends over to black out in my apartment before noon.
  9. I'm calling you during class time because it was cancelled today!! Our professor must have the flu or something.
    I haven't been to this class for so long I forgot it even existed.
  10. I've been at the library since 10 AM, just catching a quick dinner break right now then heading back!
    it's 7 PM on a Thursday and I haven't left my bed yet.
  11. I definitely want to take summer classes and get ahead on my major requirements.
    realistically I'll be daydrunk by 1 and catching an uber to my 3 PM class, if I even decide to go.
  12. It would have been cool to go to Mardi Gras but it's midterms week! I'm watching the parades on TV and it's almost the same thing.
    I'm calling you from Bourbon Street and will not remember this conversation.
  13. Yeah, I guess I'm excited to graduate, med school should be an exciting experience!
    if you mention the g-word one more time I might start crying hysterically.
  14. I haven't calculated my GPA recently but it's probably around a 3.7-3.8.
    but really if it actually starts with a 3 I'll call this semester a success.