1. guess what I'm stronger than an iPhone screen #tequila
    note to self: this is not a reason for excitement.
  2. my liver's name is rihanna because it can take a lot of beatings
    from sophomore year, but high key I still will brag about my liver function to this day
  3. It's not worth the assault charge
    actually solid life advice for any situation
  4. is my crat defective or n
    considering i was blacked out at 3.52 PM I'm going to guess that the vodka was, in fact, alcoholic
  5. help what if I never have any more tastes in my mouth except soco lime for ever and ever and ever?!?!?!
    a serious concern, tbh
  6. dance peasants
    this is unclear
  7. Xanax will relax your skin #seafood
    also unclear
  8. I caught a firefly but he pooped glowinthedark on my hand
    is that even a thing that happens..?
  9. belig in my bathtubs who has bubbles??
    tweeted from my tub as I took a bath after vomiting on myself post-mixer, shortly before I tried to make a bubble bath using shampoo, lotion, and more vomit
  10. hard black (help)
    I'm glad I at least knew I was blacked out at 3.10 AM
  11. verdict: I'm too old to drink 4loko j(plz send help and//fire trucks or ambulance acceptable if no sirens)
    22nd birthday (aka 4 days ago); presumably asking for help but not noise
  12. hey fuck you prom how can I get promoted to doctor at age 12
    post-Mockingjay angst that Prim became a doctor while I was still applying to medical schools
  13. nothing says freedom like an uber LEFT TURN @annethegrossman #2turnt
    on the 4th of July; apparently I was a little too exited about America Day
  14. seriously though FUCK THAT BOY FROM THE GIVING TREE he is the worst
    I mean he does suck, but this was a strong emotional reaction
  15. accidentally swallowed a jalepeno plz send help haystacks gone wrong
    this was actually the worst day of my entire life