I've read quite a few lists where people talk about how great their fathers are, and that's cool for them. But I think it gives a polarised view of fathers, especially for those who may not have grown up with one.
  1. I spent every single day (I remember) of my childhood living in fear
  2. The fear of verbal and physical abuse
  3. This abuse could go to me, my mother or both of us
  4. Anything could be a trigger
  5. There was no way to predict it
  6. He was intelligent and simultaneously ignorant
  7. He couldn't handle being wrong
  8. In fact pointing it out could easily trigger him into a rage
  9. Yet he always acted so nice to my cousins and other peoples kids
  10. I never understood what was wrong with me
  11. Why he treated me so badly compared to them
  12. Why he seemed to genuinely like seeing my cousins
  13. Yet time with me was an ordeal
  14. But he acted like he was a brilliant father
  15. Made out he taught me lots of important skills
  16. Yet I dreaded anytime he tried to teach me something
  17. Because I knew something would happen that would trigger him
  18. I am quite clumsy so I'd inevitably screw up doing the thing I'd never done before
  19. Which would lead to, at the very least, verbal abuse
  20. My father was a master at that
  21. Being able to instill such fear from his words
  22. Him not being at home was better
  23. But there was still fear of when he might come back
  24. Even if I'd done nothing
  25. His return still scared me
  26. He was bitter
  27. He never wanted to marry my mother
  28. But did so because of his parents
  29. I think he secretly hated the fact he never went his own way
  30. He was so big headed
  31. He thought way too much of himself
  32. He loved to play the martyr
  33. Whilst using it to berate you even more
  34. Every single day there had to be something said
  35. Something to make you feel like nothing
  36. Something meant to kill your spirit
  37. Every
  38. Single
  39. Day
  40. This is a man that said 'so what, clean it up'
  41. When I told him I'd vomited on the stairs
  42. I was around 10 years old
  43. I think
  44. See the problem is
  45. All the memories are very broken
  46. Some sections purposefully blocked
  47. It can be hard to pin down exactly when something happened
  48. All I know is the memory of the feeling
  49. Those feelings that remain in some ways
  50. The worst thing is that I look a lot like him
  51. And I have a lot of his traits
  52. For years I tried to lie to myself about how similar we are
  53. But then I realised I had to accept it
  54. I am my father's son
  55. But everyday I try to be the person I wished he was
  56. To be someone who doesn't inspire dread
  57. That doesn't intimidate
  58. Doesn't abuse
  59. Everyday I try to overturn all those negative things into positives
  60. Every
  61. Single
  62. Day
  63. I try to be the person he never has been
  64. To be someone I'd actually like to spend time with
  65. To be someone that breaks the cycle