Sh*t My Mother Says

Real gems from a mother of 5. They get progressively more crass down the list.
  1. "Some people's children."
    She would say this when we were being weird or misbehaving in public as though she was judging another person's kids.
  2. "Rise and shine! Daylight in the swamp!"
    This is how she would wake us up for school when we were teens. I kind of loved it.
  3. "You may think it's goofy, but my daughter is a Newfie!"
    Funny because its half true. My Dad is a Newfoundlander.
  4. "Like it or lump it"
    I actually found this one on the internet: Meaning: "Said of an unpleasant outcome that one has no choice but to accept - one can either endure it willingly or endure it with suffering. - Lump - To look sulky or disagreeable (16th century) http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/like-it-or-lump-it.html
  5. "I'm broke flatter than piss on a plate."
    I think this one is self explanatory.
  6. "That thing (jar, door, whatever) is closed up tighter than a Nun's c*nt."
    (yup, she really says it - without a care in the world - kind of like Betty White) Both insulting to women and religion in one blow. I'd give this one a 9 on the offensive scale.
  7. If I am bent over to pick something up, she will say this before smacking very hard on the bottom: "Never pass a tight ass..." What does that even mean? Without smacking it I guess?
  8. She would also call me a "Wandering Jew" when paced around the house in boredom.
    I found out recently that there is actually a biblical character that this reference pertains to, whether my mother knows this or not, I will have to ask her. "The original legend concerns a Jew, who taunted Jesus on the way to the Crucifixion and was then cursed to walk the earth until the Second Coming.
  9. "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."
    Really Mom? Really?