Sh*t My Mother Says
Real gems from a mother of 5. They get progressively more crass down the list.
- •"Some people's children."She would say this when we were being weird or misbehaving in public as though she was judging another person's kids.
- •"Rise and shine! Daylight in the swamp!"This is how she would wake us up for school when we were teens. I kind of loved it.
- •"You may think it's goofy, but my daughter is a Newfie!"Funny because its half true. My Dad is a Newfoundlander.
- •"Like it or lump it"I actually found this one on the internet: Meaning: "Said of an unpleasant outcome that one has no choice but to accept - one can either endure it willingly or endure it with suffering. - Lump - To look sulky or disagreeable (16th century) http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/like-it-or-lump-it.html
- •"I'm broke flatter than piss on a plate."I think this one is self explanatory.
- •"That thing (jar, door, whatever) is closed up tighter than a Nun's c*nt."(yup, she really says it - without a care in the world - kind of like Betty White) Both insulting to women and religion in one blow. I'd give this one a 9 on the offensive scale.
- •If I am bent over to pick something up, she will say this before smacking very hard on the bottom: "Never pass a tight ass..." What does that even mean? Without smacking it I guess?
- •She would also call me a "Wandering Jew" when paced around the house in boredom.I found out recently that there is actually a biblical character that this reference pertains to, whether my mother knows this or not, I will have to ask her. "The original legend concerns a Jew, who taunted Jesus on the way to the Crucifixion and was then cursed to walk the earth until the Second Coming.
- •"If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."Really Mom? Really?