AN EATING DISORDER: ADDRESSED
I have had an eating disorder for 12 years, on and off. Every time that I slip back into my old habits, it's because I forget that this is what it's REALLY like. We romanticize the HELL out of eating disorders because the end goal is skinny. Look, I know I make a lot of stuff on here silly but this can't be. This is important.
- •Eating disorders are lonely.And I don't mean that you're constantly alone, (although the deeper you get into it you're generally too tired to do anything so, yeah, you are alone) I'm talking about how alone you will feel while constantly surrounded by people because you can't share with them what you're going through. And it will be so LONELY to be with people that you love while feeling so unloved.
- •Eating disorders are isolating.At the beginning, when I started to realize what the heck I was doing, I tried to talk about it with people and they were pretty turned off by it. People aren't attracted to negativity and I HATE saying that because it implies that you shouldn't reach out and you SHOULD. But that's just the sad reality of it. People do not want to be around negativity beyond a quick five minute pep talk.
- •Eating disorders make you weak.You will get tired. So tired. Walking will hurt. Falling asleep will hurt. Fucking BREATHING will hurt. You will lose interest in doing things because of how much energy it might cost you to do them.
- •Eating disorders fuck with your emotions.Not having proper nutrients makes you unable to control your emotions. There were times when something that was not that sad made me cry so hard I dry heaved. My happiness was manic. And this will all take you back up to the former: EATING DISORDERS ARE ISOLATING. People do not want to hang out with someone that is all over the place. They will get sick of taking care of you when you're having breakdowns every day. Again, I wish that wasn't true but it is.
- •Eating disorders cost you people that you love.This is a tough one. I lost beautiful people during my struggle because I refused to get better and they got overwhelmed by everything. And I know that there's this general statement, "if you can't handle me at my worst..." But when you are sick, your worst can be pretty bad. Some people who left WERE just shitty. Others were just exhausted. I miss them. Don't let people that you love be people that you miss. It blows.
- •Eating disorders don't stop at goals.This is the one that I want everyone to see and recognize the most. Let's say you have a goal of losing ten pounds like I did. Guess what? I reached that goal. And when I did, I thought, five more probably won't hurt. So I kept going. And kept going. Eating disorders don't stop at goals. They stop when you're dead.
- •Eating disorders are not worth it.I thought being skinnier would make my life exciting. I thought I'd make friends easier. I thought I'd finally meet the love of my life and basically just have this picturesque life. This wasn't the case. I spent a lot of nights crying because I was in so much pain. If I drank with friends, my body couldn't handle it and I became sick instantly. I was 100 lbs. I should have been happy because that was what my disorder told me would happen. But I was miserable. I had nothing.
- •Eating disorders can be managed.After the worst night of my life, I got help. Every day since has been hard but it's worth it. I've found ways to cope and to love myself like I deserve. If you are in this situation already, please hear what I'm saying and get help too. It is SO WORTH HEALING. And if you are not in this but you think about it-skinny isn't everything but losing weight can be done in a healthy way!
- •I want to end this with one final statement: I read somewhere that at the end of your life you won't be thinking about the moments where you were tiny and perfect to look at. You'll be thinking of the times you ran into the ocean without caring if you jiggled the whole way. About the laughing and the loving life can bring.
- •Don't let an illness take away those run-into-the-sunset moments because they are pretty great.
- •And all of my favorite memories that I look back on, aren't times where I remember how I looked but how I FELT.