FEBRUARY 18

  1. Today is a hard day for me, for many reasons.
  2. Five years ago, my friend Milena killed herself.
    We fought two months before she died. I never got to say any form of goodbye. I took it hard and I still do.
  3. I used to blame myself for it. Because I didn't see the signs but looking back they were everywhere.
  4. I cared too much about my own life to look at hers.
  5. Two years ago I tried to take my own life. It wasn't the first time.
  6. This time though, it was more serious. I went cold beforehand. I no longer cared if I was alive. Not in a dramatic way. In an indifferent way.
  7. My dad stopped me. So I am still here.
  8. And I am not always good at it. Maybe I am more frequently "bad" at it then good.
  9. I used to hope someone would come along and save me. That someone would see me laying on the floor, crying because I was drunk and broken and they would tell me that they were going to make it better.
  10. Something cooler happened.
  11. I fixed myself. Or, well, am currently fixing.
  12. It took a long time. I had to start over a few times. That's ok.
  13. It also didn't happen without great loss and heartache. But it did produce pure joy for the first time in years.
  14. And something else cool happened.
  15. I realized that by staying alive, I was keeping everyone I had lost alive as well. Parts of them will always be here as long as I am.
  16. Like I said, this day is hard for me for several reasons.
  17. But it is also a day that I am grateful for.
  18. I am here and I am living proof that it gets better.